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Grace Church
257 Kendall Street
Burlington, WI 53105

(262) 763-3021

Email:
Pastor Scott Carson

Secretary Patti Hall

Grace Church of Burlington

July 10, 2005

"Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe;
Bold I can meet, perhaps return his blow;
But of all the plagues, good heaven, thy wrath can send;
Save, oh save me from the candid friend!"

     This poem speaks about an aspect of friendship which most of us would probably rather do without, but which each of us need...honesty! Proverbs 27:6 echoes that, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted.” Recently, I had one of those candid moments with a true friend. I was seeking to do some problem-solving BUT was working off second-hand information. My friend asked a pointed and vital question, “If this is a problem, why didn’t this person come to me directly?” And I was embarrassed. I had to acknowledge that I did not know and I apologized because I should have sent the accuser rather than being the messenger.
      Christian psychologist, Larry Crabb, wrote “The difference between spiritual and unspiritual community is not whether conflict exists, but is rather in our attitude toward it and our approach to handling it. When conflict is seen as an opportunity to draw more fully on spiritual resources, we have the makings of spiritual community.” In other words, it is how we handle conflict that determines the level of our spiritual maturity! The truth of the matter is that relationships can be strengthened through conflict if they are handled in a Biblical manner and in a way that pleases the Lord. But Biblical problem solving is not easy. It requires courage, the right attitude, humility and speaking the truth in love.
     In Matthew 18, Jesus gives us a basic plan on how to handle conflict. It starts and usually ends with a private conversation.This is where most of us miss it. Jesus tells us to go to the person. This means that we do not go to our friends or our family first, but rather to the person with whom there is a problem. When someone comes to you with a problem about another person, here is what you need to ask them. “Have you addressed this with that person?” If not, encourage them to do so. That’s where Jesus said to start.
       My friend reminded me of something I had neglected to do and as a result, I determined to grow. So from now on if you are planning to come to me about a conflict with another person, please go and talk to that person about the problem first. No one can help you if you are not willing to address the real issue.
             The hard truth is that some people really don’t want to problem-solve, they just enjoy complaining and criticizing. Biblically, that’s a big problem. It’s a sin. It’s divisive and cannot be tolerated in our church.
      Be sure, too, to meet face to face. Jesus said, “go and show him his fault.” No e-mail. No phone call. No letter or note. Be sure and affirm the relationship. Let the person know that you are seeking to resolve the conflict, not assign blame. Let the person know up front how much they mean to you. Also make observations, not accusations. That means addressing actions that have occurred, rather than pointing a finger or attacking their character. Make sure, too, that you get the facts. After you make your observations, allow the other person to respond. There may be things that you’ve misunderstood or not been aware of. Nine times out of ten this is where the problem lies. When the other person is responding, keep your ears open and mouth closed. Don’t interrupt! Let them finish. Finally, promote resolution. The point is not to fight, win, or prove someone wrong. The point is to restore trust and harmony. Most conflicts can be resolved in this stage, if we will have the courage and care enough about another person to take that first step.
    Scripture teaches that conflict should be dealt with, not ignored. And we should practice great forgiveness – keeping in mind that for which we have been forgiven. What happens when we let conflict go unresolved? It grows into broken relationships, and broken churches. What happens when we don’t forgive? We stunt our growth, cause hurt in another brother or sister. We also hurt the church family. But just as biological brothers and sisters should get along – as a spiritual one we can too by dealing with conflict properly and with Calvary’s love.

PASTOR'S PENS 2005