Grace Church
257 Kendall Street
Burlington, WI 53105

(262) 763-3021

PASTOR'S PENS 2008

Grace Church of Burlington February 10, 2008 “I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”       Rita Rudner Funerals are probably the hardest part of pastoral ministry. Those of us who have spent our lives getting close to people for pastoral reasons are all too well acquainted with the grief that floods the life of one who has lost a dearly loved spouse. We've observed the paralyzing sadness and sense of loss and know that only time will eventually dull the pain. But what is less talked or written about is the opposite of such grief. It’s not quite politically correct to even mention it and I wouldn’t, if it were not a real problem.             The word though for some is not grief, rather it’s liberation. In some cases the death of a spouse actually liberates the surviving spouse to remove something like a disguise and become a new person.             One pastor shared of standing near enough to overhear a conversation between a woman and two of her adult children soon after the funeral and burial services for her husband (and their father) had concluded. Apparently, either the son or the daughter, thinking they were offering a kind of protective love to the mother, tried to take charge and tell her something that she should or shouldn't do. The mother (just freshly a widow) reacted with words wrapped in anger. “Now let's get something straight right this minute. No one! No one is going to tell me what to do any longer. I've been doing what everyone else wanted (alluding no doubt to her deceased husband) for fifty years. Now it's my turn. I'll make my own decisions from here on out. Is this understood?” It was apparent that those words has been rehearsed and that it was only a matter of time until they came out. They came from a small-statured woman who’d always seemed content to live as a loving and serving wife in the shadow of her more-domineering husband. As far as her pastor could tell she’d always seemed happy with her marriage arrangements. Apparently, that was not the case.             Over the years I’ve seen surviving spouses who, fairly soon after a period of mourning, seem to change dramatically. They buy new clothes, begin to travel (or stop traveling), redecorate their home, join organizations or find new ways to make money. They deepen spiritually or (and this shouldn't surprise) do just the opposite. Anyway, a new person emerges. A new person? Or the hidden one? What I have learned from watching episodes like this is that many people apparently harbor a secret person inside of themselves that never sees the light of day. That hidden “person” is intimidated or refused by someone near who controls all the airspace of the relationship.             You’ll often see this same trait after a very caustic divorce. Terminate the relationship and you have no idea what  new person may emerge.  Of course there is another side of this for which I don’t have space except to mention it. Sometimes the survivor goes into a kind  of  character or spiritual disintegration  and you realize that what they were was being propped up or held together by the one who had just passed on. This scenario is not pretty.             Perhaps you’ve observed this same “liberation” phenomena. So let me ask you, is there another “spouse” hiding inside your spouse? Can I  encourage you to do some reflective thinking about your own marriage. Could there ever be such a person hiding in your husband or wife? Someone that perhaps you’ve refused to recognize and welcome over the years of your marriage? Put another way: Is this spouse, whom you dearly love, everything he/she is capable of being partly through your encouragement and affirmation?             Or, and this is not easy to write, would your departure be that “person’s” liberation? We'd like to think that the answer is a resounding “no!”, that there is nothing in our spouse that needs to hide. Nevertheless, it’s a question worth asking ourselves (no matter how morose) so that each of us can be all the more sure that we’ve encouraged our spouses (as well as all of our friends) to be all that God meant him/her (and them) to be. A vital part of a healthy marriage is encouraging our spouse to be all that God designed and wants them to be...not our agenda but the Father’s. This next week please take some time and ask the tough questions. In a very non-threatening manner and place, even converse with your spouse about it. Encourage them to be open and honest...and please truly hear them without getting defensive or rationalizing your behavior. Maybe there are some important changes that your marriage needs, changes that will give both of you more fulfillment and marital health in the coming years.