Grace Church
257 Kendall Street
Burlington, WI 53105

(262) 763-3021

PASTOR'S PENS 2008

Grace Church of Burlington February 17, 2008 “Often the difference between a successful marriage and a mediocre one consists of leaving about three or four things a day unsaid.”                        Harlan Miller             Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife's bedside table that said “Wake me at six.” An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note  beside his bedside table: “It's six, you bum! Get out of bed!”             Nearly all couples fight (the ones who say that they never fight are lying)  but like any “competition,” there are ways to fight fair and ways to fight dirty. And while many spouses fight dirty, to do so is deadly. It can greatly harm your marriage and it also often harms your children, as they watch Dad and Mom tear one another part. Not to mention that they are learning by your poor example of how to fight...a model that they will typically take into their future marriage. So what are some common BAD ways to fight.             There’s the Dramatic Exit. It’s an excellent option when you suddenly realize your argument is weak and it’s guaranteed to stop any discussion in its tracks and divert attention from the actual problem to other issues — like your propensity for drama. It also opens the door to prolonged separation because the re-entry usually involves some unsavory humble pie.             There’s the Low Blow. This is a great one for a fast score. You can usually tell you hit the mark by the unmistakable hurt or anger in your spouse’s eyes. The damage brought by the Low Blow will last for an extended period and wreak havoc on trust and closeness. Beware, however, if you possess flaws yourself because your spouse’s return blow is usually vicious.             There’s the Public Ridicule. This one closely resembles the Low Blow but with a twist, now it’s done in front of others. Use this when you really want to escalate the damage to your marriage. It also has the prolonged effect of bringing awkwardness to your relationships with friends and family. If you find that you don’t get invited over much or out much with friends...or if when you arrive, you hear an emotionally tinged, “they’re here,” perhaps you are known for the public ridicule tactic.             There’s the Power Play Ultimatum. It wields the potential to swing the argument dramatically in your direction. It can force your spouse to be sensible without your taking one step toward sensibility. It comes with the risk of having to deploy said ultimatum if your spouse, by chance, decides to call your bluff. This invariably causes unpleasant consequences for you as well as your spouse. It is akin to winning a war with chemical weapons, only to live with the toxic fallout.             There’s the Raise the Volume Tactic. This includes yelling, stomping, slamming, turning up the music and the ever popular “Na-na-na-na, I can’t hear you.” This brilliant strategy drowns out your spouse’s opinion and stops any attempt to communicate. It tends to enrage your spouse and entrenches both of you in your opinions. Typically, it encourages comments from your spouse about childishness. If you succeed at being loud enough, though, you won’t hear them.             There’s the Silent Treatment. This is a wonderful punitive strategy (unless, of course, your spouse fancies a little peace and quiet). It makes interactions in the home stilted. The risk is that your silence may not be obvious to your spouse, who may forget you are still mad and go back to watching TV.             There are many others...some that you could probably add to this list. But how about a new strategy...how about reminding ourselves of what our long-term goal is for our marriage — a loving, strong, mutually satisfying, God-glorifying relationship. Then, ask yourself, “What do I need to do to bring us closer to that end?”             Then, pray for wisdom. You probably will have to bite your tongue and make yourself be still until you’re able to control your emotions and do what is needed for a healthy relationship. That’s exactly what Paul commands us to do in Ephesians 4 “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold” (vss. 26-27).   Now you may stew a bit before you come to that point but all of us can manage to get there in the end. And this new strategy doesn’t bring the drama and sleepless nights as do the tactics on “The List.” In fact, sometimes the result is a peaceful night’s sleep, wrapped in the arms of the one you love and vowed before God to be faithful to “in sickness and in health.” It’s kind of like having Valentine’s Day after Valentine’s Day. So why don’t you try it? I’d surmise that you’ll find that you like it a lot better than those other tactics and it sure will please the Lord a whole lot more.