Grace Church
257 Kendall Street
Burlington, WI 53105

(262) 763-3021

PASTOR'S PENS 2008

Grace Church of Burlington February 24, 2008 “Man, when he does not grieve, hardly exists.”     Antonio Porchia             Long after the names of Catalina Garcia, 20, Daniel Parmenter, 20, Ryanne Mace, 19, Julianna Gehant, 32 and Gayle Dubowski, 20 are forgotten, Steven Kazmierczak will still be remembered. Like other mass murderers, we tend to remember the name of the killer rather than the names of the victims. Though it has been nearly a decade since the Columbine massacre most of us still remember the names of the two murderers, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold. Those Columbine High School mass murderers killed twelve students, a teacher and wounded twenty-three others before they turned their guns on themselves.              Jane and I were out on a Valentine’s Day date when we heard the tragic news of the shootings at Northern Illinois University. I got a sick knot in my stomach. Though the news was shocking, what was nearly as shocking was hearing a news report the very next morning and the speaker said something to the effect of, “that now the healing has begun.” The victims had not even been dead 24 hours, yet here was someone already talking about healing. What an offense to the victims families and their horrific loss!             While I am not suggesting that we wallow in grief, we Americans tend to rush the grieving process...particularly if we are not personally facing the loss. In a microwave culture we forget that some things just cannot be rushed. One of those is grief. Grief must be processed. It’s not something one can turn on and off.             Many years ago Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote a book entitled On Death and Dying. Her book identified five stages that a dying person goes through when they are told that they have a terminal illness or when someone experiences a loss. At some point in our lives, each of us faces the loss of someone dear to us. The grief that follows such a loss can seem unbearable. Grief is that emotional suffering we feel after a loss of some kind. The death of a loved one, divorce (some counselors suggest that this is worse than death), loss of a limb, even intense disappointment can cause grief. Sometimes people get stuck in one of the first four stages. Their lives can be painful until they move to the fifth stage, acceptance. What are the five stages of grief?             1) Denial and isolation.  At first, we will tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts.  This stage may last a few hours or longer. 2) Anger. The grieving person may feel furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if he/she is dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. They may be angry with themselves for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.  3) Bargaining. Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?" 4) Depression. The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath. 5) Acceptance. This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person begins to accept the reality of the loss.             During grief it’s common to have many conflicting feelings. Sorrow, anger, loneliness, sadness, shame, anxiety, and guilt often accompany serious losses. Having so many strong feelings can be very stressful. Yet denying the feelings, and failing to work through the five stages of grief, is harder on the body and mind than going through them. When people suggest "looking on the bright side," or other ways of cutting off difficult feelings, the grieving person may feel pressured to hide or deny these emotions. Then, it will take longer for healing to take place.             Studies show that grief passes more quickly with good self-care habits. It helps to have a close circle of family or friends. It also helps to eat a balanced diet, drink enough non-alcoholic fluids, get exercise and rest. Most people are unprepared for grief, since so often, tragedy strikes suddenly, without warning. Yet, if we stay with our routine, if we let others touch our lives, it helps us deal with the pain and shock of loss until acceptance is reached.             Ours is a dying world. Because of sin all of us will have to deal with grief and will also have the opportunity to minister to those who are working through grief. And what an encouragement, that though we will all face grief, Scripture promises that we do not “grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope” (1 Thes. 4:13).             While grief will not go away quickly, it will eventually go away. It helps those going through the grieving process though when they know that they are not alone. It will no doubt take months and years for the families of those NIU students to recover heal. We also have folk around us who are in the process of healing. Are we praying for them? Are we seeking to minister to them and let them know that while we don’t understand, we love them...and more importantly, God loves them and does understand!