Grace Church-Burlington

"The guys who fear becoming fathers don't understand that fathering is not something perfect men do, but something that perfects the man. The end product of child raising is not the child, but the parent." Frank Pittman

Something powerful happened last weekend. It wasn’t loud or even dramatic, just a simple ceremony but my life will never be the same. When Aaron graduated last weekend, my years of parenting ended. While I will always be a father to Charity, Ben and Aaron, my days of parenting, correcting, disciplining, underwriting, checking on, intervening for...are over.

Now that does not mean that I will not help Aaron with college expenses, but anything that I do from now on is because I desire to, not because I am responsible – and must. There’s also a flip side to that coin – at the same time my children no longer have to follow or do anything that I say. They are no longer under my authority, control or are my responsibility. They have now all entered that wonderful, yet frequently frightening world of adulthood. All choices and decisions are now ultimately theirs to make. I can give counsel and guidance but I have now moved from being the parent to the older (and hopefully wiser and more mature) friend.

That does not mean that there are not "house rules." We have guidelines for anyone living under our roof. Because Jane and I are footing the bill, there are certain expectations. It would not matter if you were my child or just paying rent, there would still be certain expectations for living in our home. For example, anyone living in our home is expected to go to church each Sunday. We also will not allow immoral or illegal behavior in our home. Our home is a gift to us from God. Ultimately, it belongs to Him and we do not want to dishonor Him. We are stewards of His property.

Then, young adults love to stay out late. At our house there’s no curfew BUT we do ask that they be quiet when they come in and that they always carry a cell phone, just in case they have an emergency. This is an example of a non-moral issue and works for us. I’ve found that "no curfew" makes young adults feel that they are truly adults. And as long as they are not disturbing anyone else’s sleep, it’s not a battle that I choose to fight. Every home then not only has moral guidelines but preferences or house rules. As an apartment has lease requirements, so parents of now adult children need house rules.

God has blessed Jane and I in that all three of our children know the Lord and have a heart for the things of God. But as I look back, that is truly God’s grace. It certainly wasn’t because I was such a great father. If we tallied what I did right and what I did wrong, I’m quite certain which would outweigh the other. Probably, the words my children heard me say more often, after the words "I love you" are "I’m sorry...I blew it." Hopefully, if God’s will is for them to marry and have children, they will be a better parent than I was.

Part of that is due to the fact that I started out my parenting responsibilities behind the eight ball. Like many of you, I had no role model to follow from my own Dad. While I’d been trained for the ministry, my Bible college education was terribly lacking in how to be a husband and father. My own father was not just a substance abuse addict, his life goals were to be rich, famous and well-known...not exactly a Biblical worldview. Looking back there were no older men that I felt were examples of what I believed a Christian father should be. My peers, though they often did some wonderful things, were struggling pretty much like I was. My only model really was God Himself and so I sought to be the Father that I knew that He was to me...though I fell very, very short. I also read extensively about the Christian home, typically I would read at least one or two books a year about marriage and family. After a few years I found that I was not really learning new material, yet I was being reminded of things that too easily fell into neglect.

A very sad reality is that most of us parent the way that we were parented. That’s great if you had godly parents. But if you did not, you will have to work very hard to break free from patterns that were set in your soul during those formative years. You will, by God’s grace, have to choose to parent according to His truth. It will not come naturally or because you’ve seen it modeled. And it will require great commitment and perseverance on your part, but it is well worth it!

God has blessed and been gracious to me in that He gave me a wonderful wife and three wonderful children. If I had to do it over again, I wouldn’t change anything about them though I would change a lot about me.

If you are a young father at Grace, you are blessed. We have some godly men who love the Lord and truly are models of Christlike parenting. They will quickly tell you that they are not perfect, yet they do model a desire to please the Lord in their parenting.

This Father’s Day let me encourage you to not just settle. Dig into God’s Word! See the Father that He is to you so that you can be that to your own children. And work and dig and study to be successful in the most important responsibility that God has entrusted to you, being a Dad to your children.

No one ever gets to the end of life and wishes that they’d worked more or played more. Many a man though gets to the end of his journey and wishes that he had invested more time in his children. Being a father is a high calling and privilege. It’s also a tremendous responsibility but the rewards are truly out of this world! Happy Father’s Day!