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Burlington, WI 53105
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"Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer." Rita Mae Brown
May 16th, 2010
Don't you wish it was as easy for you as it was for Adam and Eve? Online dating services have been around a little over a decade now, but the idea of finding a spouse goes back to the Garden. The world looks very different now in some respects, but in other ways it hasn't changed. We still desire to get married and God is still bringing husbands and wives together in marriage. But how does the $500 million industry of online dating fit in to the grand scheme of God's plan for marriage? Does the Bible have anything to say about online dating? Can we learn anything from others' experiences with online dating? We have many singles in our church working this issue.
First of all, the Bible nowhere forbids online dating and therefore neither should we. It is a denial of the sufficiency of Scripture to add “laws” that God in His wisdom decided not to include in Holy Scripture. Let's all commit to not load each other's consciences with “sins” that are not in Scripture. That was the mistake of the Pharisees. Christians, though, do need to think through this new phenomenon of online dating and make certain that their approach to it is shaped by Biblical principles.
To be sure, there are some benefits of on-line dating. It allows for interaction with a much larger group of singles. Used wisely, it can provide a context to evaluate a potential date before meeting face-to-face. Many singles who invest in online dating are generally interested in a serious relationship. Finally, there are positive examples of couples who have met and got engaged/married through these services.
And those are all good benefits, but with any decision we make, it is important to weigh the benefits and the risks before we proceed. Here are some concerns to consider: Costs - A few of these sites are free, but most have some type of monthly fee. Time-consuming - Filling out lengthy questionnaires, sorting through potential "matches", and contacting matches can be very time consuming and distract from other priorities. False hope - Advertising for these sites such as "finding your soul mate" or "the love of your life" border on being disingenuous. Most sites report that less than 2% of participant's relationships end in marriage. But the advertisements show couple after couple finding true love, which creates an impression not in keeping with reality.
What are some dangers? There is the issue of personal safety. Most online dating sites have lengthy disclaimers and warnings regarding personal safety when meeting people online because disclosing highly personal information to someone you don't know at all is unwise at best and dangerous at worst. It is also quite easy to become a different person online or to not represent oneself truthfully. There is the temptation to compromise one’s values. While many find that their potential matches answer value questions in a similar way (sexual purity, fellowship, church involvement, etc.) but how they define and practice these values is much different and leads to the immediate need to either end the relationship or deal with the temptation to compromise. There’s also the temptation to lower one’s standards. Maintaining God-glorifying standards for relationships is much more difficult after you're already involved with someone. As a result, it is very easy to drift into casual dating relationships and compromise on the significant values of a committed, intentional relationship. On top of that, there can be major doctrinal differences. The excitement of meeting new people interested in you can lessen the importance of significant doctrinal differences that will seriously affect a long-term relationship. Consider a marriage where husband and wife cannot agree on salvation by grace alone or how the role of husband and wife differ, or how they ought to raise and discipline their children.
Online dating tends to reinforce self-focused views of relationships because matches are generally based on what you want or how well someone is compatible with you instead of biblical criteria. Decisions to contact a match can be based on superficial preferences and this tends to encourage a selfish view of finding someone who will love you rather than the other way around.
These are significant concerns/risks that you need to prayerfully consider if you are thinking about participating in one of these services. Please do so with the help of your local church family that God has given you, because "Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed" (Prov. 15:22)
Finally, for those who are currently participating in online dating, let me challenge you to do two things: 1) Discern your motives (Jeremiah 17:9; Luke 6:43-45). Our motives are constantly driving us to do things--whether good or bad. When it comes to online dating, there is a range of possible motivations one might have. One common motive seems to be a hopelessness in God's provision and timing of a spouse. You might ask yourself this question to discern this, "Is this a means to take the possibility of marriage into my own hands instead of trusting God?" I’m not suggesting that you shouldn't be taking action and specific steps towards pursuing good things like marriage, but if this is your motive you might be setting yourself up for an even greater temptation and struggle because the reality is that the vast majority of those using services like this are not finding a spouse. 2) Know your values and convictions (Eph. 5:10). What are the non-negotiables in a potential spouse for you? If you haven't spent time considering this in light of Scripture, you will likely default to what feels right instead of determining what is most important for you in a spouse. Compromise is really right around the corner when we don't determine what our convictions are. If you’re single and considering participating in online dating, please wisely and Biblically weigh out the concerns and make your decision carefully and with much prayer and counsel.
