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Ecclesiastical Domestic Disturbances
Acts 6:1-7March 1st
The primary difference between an unhealthy dysfunctional family and a healthy functional family is the ability to problem-solve. That’s so important, let me repeat it: The primary difference between an unhealthy dysfunctional family and a healthy functional family is the ability to problem-solve. Those who are naïve about healthy family relationships think healthy families never have problems. That’s just stupid. All families have problems. The critical difference between a functional one and a dysfunctional one is that functional ones are able to problem-solve.
The primary difference between an unhealthy dysfunctional church and a healthy functional church is this same ability to problem-solve. Nationally known, Christian psychologist, Larry Crabb, writes “The difference between spiritual and unspiritual community is not whether conflict exists, but [it] is rather in our attitude toward it and our approach to handling it. When conflict is seen as an opportunity to draw more fully on spiritual resources, we have the makings of spiritual community.”
We’re continuing our series, The EssentialChurch. Today we’re going to talk about something that unfortunately is not talked about enough in the Church, Ecclesiastical Domestic Disturbances. My Bible is open to Acts 6:1-7 (p. 774). The history of the early church is not a chick flick or some romantic fairy tale. There were problems, squabbles, hot disagreements. There were even knock down drag out fights. Don’t believe me? Read the New Testament for yourself.
The difference between them and us is that they didn’t sugar coat or whitewash their issues. They sought to do Spirit led, Biblically centered problem-solving. They sought to realistically, transparently live out our Lord’s words in John 13:34-35, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you love one another.”
At the end of this service we’re celebrating Communion together. Before that we want to lay the groundwork so that we as the Grace Church family don’t just go through the motions, but that we have real communion and community. One of the reasons we’ve put the chairs in a circle this morning is that we want you to see each other. That person you are looking across at is your brother or sister. This is a family and as a family, as a community of believers, there are some important family rules. Rule #1: Family members do not backstab one another. They speak the truth in love face to face. Proverbs 27:6 says, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted.” If you’re taking notes then, let me suggest…1. Every church has problems because every church is made up of redeemed sinners. Pop singer, Rihanna and her boyfriend, Chris Brown, were no shows at this year’s Grammy Awards. R&B star Chris Brown was charged with domestic violence after he assaulted his girlfriend, Rihanna, Rihanna, the night before the Grammys. The photos leaked to the media of Rihanna showed a very battered, bloodied, and bruised young woman.
Some of you are like me; you grew up in homes filled with anger and violence. My normal was that it was “normal” for Dad to verbally assault my Mom, on a nearly daily basis. Periodically, he’d get physical. Home was not a safe place to be. Please understand my family could easily be sitting in this room this morning. We were an upper class, church going family. My Dad was a leader in the church. Domestic abuse takes place even in the Church, even in our church. Because of that, when I was growing up, I did everything I could NOT to be home. Home was not a safe place.
Like a home, a church should be a safe place. That’s why we have a zero tolerance policy for verbal put-downs, digs or name calling in all of our young people’s programs. Church must be a safe place! But many are not. Too often Ecclesiastical Domestic Disturbances are normal in some churches. Like some of you, I’ve seen Christians verbally rip each other apart. Nearly every pastor I know, including myself, has been verbally attacked at one time or another. Maybe you’ve been the recipient of another professing believer tearing into you.
A small incident escalates until emotions and tongues are out of control. Christians trash talk, gossip and backstab one another, just like pagans. And it’s wrong! A church is a family and should be a safe place!
Now I’m not suggesting that Christians won’t differ and disagree. Because we all have this thing called a temper, there are times when nearly all of us will lose our cool. Periodically, Christians will get their feelings hurt or say the wrong thing. But how we solve it is what must be different.
That’s the model we find in Acts 6. There was a big argument. It was heated and angry BUT the end result became a blessing to all and a model for us! That’s what we want at Grace Church. That’s what we’re supposed to do. And that’s what the Father expects of us!
Panicking, handwringing, bailing, rage and other forms of overreacting are not Biblical ways to handle conflicts. One mother in Darlington, Maryland discovered that the hard way. Edith, a mother of eight children, came home after visiting a neighbor one Saturday afternoon. As she walked into the house, she spotted five of her youngest children huddled together, concentrating with intense interest on something. When she slipped over near them, trying to discover what was going on, she could hardly believe her eyes. Smack dab in the middle of their circle of attention were several baby skunks. The alarmed mother screamed at the top of her voice, “Children, run, run, run!!” And at the sound of her voice, each child grabbed a skunk and ran. I think you can picture what happened next.
This mother learned a valuable lesson that day. It turns out that panicking, screaming and overreacting are not the way to handle skunks. All you end up with is a stinky situation. That’s also not the way to handle conflict in the church unless we want to end up with the same result. There are many “skunks” that can pop up in the church and cause problems. A “skunk” in the church is any situation that has the potential to blow up and create a stink if it’s not dealt with properly. Basically, a “skunk” is any situation that involves conflict.
Someone wisely said, “If you ever find the perfect church, don’t join it because you’ll spoil it!” I often share with new members, “I promise that if you join this church, we will at some point offend you.” Someone said, “To dwell above with the saints we love, O that will be glory! But to dwell below with the saints we know, well, that’s a different story!”
To have been in the early church would have been a wonderful experience. God was working in powerful ways. Daily there were reports of new people coming to faith in Christ. It was an exciting time. But the early church was not a perfect church. A problem occurred in the midst of this phenomenal growth: a complaint arose that threatened to split the church. Acts 6 provides us with timeless principles for solving problems that inevitably arise in the local church.
a) To solve problems in the local church, both leaders and people must be spiritual people in submission to God’s Word.Why is that? Spiritual people center everything in their lives on God, His Word and through prayer. In other words, a spiritual person builds his life on God’s Word, in dependence on God through prayer. In the words of Proverbs 3:5-6, they trust in the Lord with all their hearts. They don’t trust their own understanding. Rather, in all their ways they acknowledge the Lord. God’s Word permeates their thinking and behavior. They don’t act with human wisdom, but in accordance with God’s wisdom revealed in Scripture.
The church leaders learn of this problem in the church. Their first response is, “It would not be right for us to neglect the ministry of the Word of God” (v. 2). They reiterate this in verse 4. We “will give our attention to prayer and the ministry of the Word.” The result was that the Word of God kept on spreading (v. 7). Their requirement for those who were to deal with the problem was that they be “men from among you who are known to be full of the Spirit and wisdom” (vs. 3). Stephen, one of the seven problem-solvers chosen, was “full of faith and of the Holy Spirit” (vs. 5). Before the apostles laid hands on them, publicly setting them apart for this ministry, they prayed (vs. 6). The whole problem-solving process was centered on God through prayer and God’s Word. This is so vital to solving any problem in the church! The entire congregation, especially the leaders, must walk in daily, practical reality with the living God, in submission to His Word, in dependence on Him in prayer.
b) Spiritual progress always results in friction. Now you may be thinking, “If everyone in the church were spiritual, there wouldn’t be any problems.” That’s overly idealistic and does not take into account that every single one of us is a sinner who is saved by God’s grace. The fact is spiritual people have problems.
We know from the Book of Acts that there was a vibrant sense of unity and community in the early church. They had the best leaders imaginable in the twelve Apostles. They were growing in a way that can only be attributed to the power of the Holy Spirit, yet they still had problems.
Whenever you have growth through new conversions, you’re going to have problems. Where there’s growth, there’s friction. Spiritual babies always dirty their spiritual diapers. They wake you up in the middle of the night with their crying. Like all babies, spiritual babies are usually self-centered at first. And even seemingly mature believers are not exempt from self-centeredness, struggles and sin. Every church, particularly growing ones, is going to have problems.
This problem was probably not deliberate. The Hellenistic Jews felt like their widows were being slighted. They felt that the Hebrew widows were getting more than their fair share in the daily distribution of food. The Hellenistic Jews were primarily from outside of Palestine, spoke Greek, and had a Greek worldview. The Hebrews were Jews who spoke Aramaic and grew up in a Jewish culture, mostly in Palestine. Both groups in the Jerusalem church had come to faith in Jesus as God’s Messiah and Savior, yet getting saved did not erase all of these background factors. It’s naïve to think, “Since we’re all born again, we won’t experience any conflicts.” Salvation does not eradicate different cultural assumptions and attitudes. This applies both to the church, as well as to a Christian marriage.
Acts 6:1 is the first description of Christians as disciples, which means “learners,” referring to those who are learning to follow Jesus as Lord. This is a lifelong process. There wouldn’t be all those exhortations to Christians to love, kindness and patience in the New Testament, if it were automatic. Spiritual people have problems and conflicts.
Please notice too that this problem arose right out of a ministry. It was because they were seeking to serve the Lord by meeting the needs of these widows that this conflict arose, not because they were worldly-minded and doing nothing about a problem. Christians often naively get involved in serving the Lord with the assumption that everyone will just get along since “we’re all doing the Lord’s work.” Yet, it’s often when we’re trying to serve the Lord together that conflicts erupt, that we rub each other the wrong way. And this would never have happened if we had not been serving the Lord. Isn’t it shocking to discover that the Lord’s other servants do not always agree with my or your way of doing things?
We’re not told whether the Hellenistic Jews went directly to the Apostles to discuss this problem, or whether the Apostles heard it via the grapevine. We are told that the Hellenistic Jews had a complaint. The Greek word means a “murmuring.” Probably they’d grumbled amongst themselves and word spread until the Apostles heard about it.
Grumbling amongst the Body is never God’s way of problem solving, nor is bailing and leaving the church. When we Biblically problem solve, we go directly to the leaders who can listen and then deal with the problem in a Christ-like, constructive manner. You know, there’s a funny thing about leaders – they can’t deal with problems they don’t know about. They may be close to God but none of them are omniscient and they don’t have ESP.
When the Apostles heard about the problem, they called together the whole congregation. They didn’t blame anyone or lash out in self-defense. Rather, they explained their philosophy of ministry, laid out some guidelines, assigned the congregation the task of finding seven qualified men to deal with the problem, and then gave those men the authority to deal with it.
c) Spiritual people are committed to harmony expressed through diversity. It’s very significant that the Apostles did not say, “It’s time that we divide the church up into the 1st Hellenistic Church of Jerusalem and the 1st Hebrew Church of Jerusalem.” They never considered division as an option. Even though these two groups had very diverse backgrounds and even different native tongues, they wanted to work this problem out in a spirit of unity, not division.
There are legitimate times to separate from professing Christians or churches, although that subject is beyond the scope of this message. But unless there are biblical grounds to separate, God is glorified when people from diverse cultures and backgrounds worship Him together on the common ground of salvation through Jesus Christ. God’s power is demonstrated when we have unity in the midst of diversity. God’s power is demonstrated when we Biblically problem-solve. That’s why we must commit ourselves to work through our problems by His grace and wisdom.
d) Problems in the church can often be explained and resolved by utilizing different spiritual gifts. Not even the Apostles could do it all. They were gifted and called to the ministry of prayer and preaching the Word. They were not control-freaks, who had to direct every single aspect of church ministry. They were willing to delegate responsibility to other godly individuals who could deal with the problems. This laying on of hands symbolized the Apostles giving recognition and approval to these capable men to carry on this aspect of ministry.
A key to solving church problems is to recognize and implement the division of labor and ministry on the basis of the various spiritual gifts. No one and no group, however gifted, can carry on the whole work of the local church. It’s only when every member gets involved in serving in accordance with his or her gifts that the church will be strong.
Something else that we need to understand is that often people grumble about problems which are directly related to their area of spiritual giftedness. For example, if someone complains that the church doesn’t do enough outreach, you’re probably looking at a person with the gift of evangelism. If she complains that the church is not friendly enough, chances are she has the gift of hospitality. The one who grumbles about how disorganized the church is probably is gifted in administration. The man who laments the lack of discernment of spiritual error is probably a prophet. The key to resolving differences is for each person to recognize the validity of all the gifted members and to use his or her gift to work on the problems that he perceives. The church will only be strong when every member commits himself to the ministry that God has gifted him to do. God has called all of us to serve and use our gifts for His glory and the benefit of His Body. And a member without a ministry is a mystery.
e) A growing church will require new ministries and new levels of organization in order to solve problems. The need for new ministries and organization grows as the body grows. The Apostles here were willing to change the organizational structure of the church to meet this legitimate need. They didn’t protect turf or say, “We’ve never done it that way before!” There’s a blend here between apostolic direction and congregational participation. The Apostles initiated the solution yet they did not choose these seven men; they delegated that job to the congregation after giving the necessary qualifications. The congregation brought the seven back to the Apostles, who validated the choice by praying and laying hands on them. Later, Paul appointed elders in every church to have oversight. He gave us the qualifications to recognize elders (1 Tim. 3:1-7; Titus 1:5-9).
Please understand, the church is not a democracy. Wise leaders though will involve the congregation on important decisions. The entire church must be functionally under the headship of Jesus Christ, seeking to honor Him and follow His will.2. So why don’t we Biblically problem solve? In the comic strip Calvin and Hobbes, Calvin says to Hobbes: "I feel bad that I called Susie names and hurt her feelings. I'm sorry I did it." Hobbes replies: "Maybe you should apologize to her." Calvin ponders this for a moment and then replies, "I keep hoping there's a less obvious solution."
Why don’t we Biblically problem-solve? Why is it that too often Christians have difficulty getting along? Let me suggest several reasons.
a) Ignorance. Most of us, when it comes to conflict or disagreements, do what we grew up with. Sadly, many just don’t have basic problem-solving skills. My police officer friends often become weary of the many people who call the cops, asking them to intervene, often about things that are very trivial. But these folk frequently lack basic problem solving skills.
b) Fear. Some folk come from dysfunctional families where their parents never expressed their true feelings or modeled problem-solving. Many of them come from families where there were “family secrets.” You never let the “secrets” out in the open where they could be seen and solved.
They fear hurt or rejection. This is particularly true of those who have families where there was addiction or divorce or molestation. It wasn’t safe to bring things out in the open, and they bring that fear with them into the church. When problems develop, they often run and bail.
c) Displaced Anger. At church we take people where they’re at. Too often though we let things go that would be totally unacceptable in other social settings. Robert Subby talks about this in his book, Lost in the Shuffle. Someone may be very frustrated in their marriage or about their job, but it’s not safe to let their anger out there. So they come to church and unleash all of that built up frustration and anger in the church.
It’s a bit like the guy who got yelled at by his boss, goes home and yells at his wife, the wife yells at the kid, the kid kicks the dog, and the dog bites the cat. It’s displaced anger.
d) Narcissism. Narcissism is excessive self-love. The term is derived from the Greek mythology of Narcissus. Narcissus was a handsome Greek youth who was punished and doomed to fall in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. Unable to consummate his love, Narcissus pined away and changed into the flower that bears his name, the narcissus.
To be narcissistic then is to be conceited, egotistical or just simply selfish. It’s often evidenced by an elitist attitude. It’s the belief that our opinion is the only one that matters. It’s also seen in getting stuck on things that are non-essential or even trivial. Let me illustrate. Which is better Pepsi or Coke? It’s subjective and it really doesn’t matter…unless you’re narcisstic. Then, your opinion is the “right” one.
e) Satan’s weapon. While there is a place for legitimate questions and constructive criticism, complaining is one of Satan’s weapons and always destroys community. It also causes an erosion of trust in leadership.
We all know this. We’ve met them. Tragically, there are some folk who are never happy. Often they just move from church to church causing problems and division. A U.S. Congregational Life Survey uncovered interesting statistics about new attendees and church-switchers when it looked at U.S. religious practices. One in four church attendees has switched churches in the past five years. Some people are fickle. Some leave over the silliest things. Some like to stir up controversy. Some people just can’t get along. Some can’t get past their own preferences—they leave on a dime when something doesn’t go their way. It's impossible to make unhappy people happy.
That’s why at Grace, we ask folk if they have unresolved issues at a previous church. And we’ve had to tell a few folk over the years that they need to return to their previous church and resolve things before they come to Grace.3. Inevitable conflict between believers must be dealt with properly. Are you surprised that married couples fight? Are you surprised when your children squabble? So why should we be surprised when Christians have disagreements? Turn to Matthew 18:15-17 (p. 695). Matthew 18 gives us the following steps when seeking to problem solve when you’ve been offended. That’s because conflict can cause greater conflict if we don’t follow the instructions of Jesus. Matthew 18 first tells us to…
a) Go directly to the person who has offended you. This is so contrary to what we normally like to do. When someone hurts your feelings or does something to offend you, what’s the first thing you do? Too much of the time, we talk about the situation with those around us with words like, “You’ll never believe what so and so did.” We look for allies. This is gossip no matter how you spin it. Gossip always wounds relationships.
Now it may seem awkward and uncomfortable to go to those who have hurt you, but it’s the best way because it’s God’s way. It’s also the quickest and easiest manner to resolve the conflict.
John Maxwell made the following observation: “When confronting a person about a conflict issue, I have discovered that 50% don’t realize there is a problem. 30% realize there is a problem but don’t know how to solve it. 20% realize there is a problem but don’t want to solve it. Notice that 80% of the time there is potential to solve the conflict.” So we need to remember this when we go to the other person in love, chances are, they don’t even know there is a problem. And if they do, they’re very likely to want to get it solved right away. That should encourage us. So, what do we do with that last 20% that do not want to solve the problem?
b) You take two or three mature members of the church with you to hear the facts. It doesn’t say you’re to gang up on this person by bringing in your friends to prove your point. You do need to bring in some neutral parties to help both of you try to work out the problem.
c) You take it to the church. If this doesn’t work, then you take it to the church. It’s not an announcement from the pulpit, but this is where the pastor and church leadership get involved. If things aren’t solved, then we need to do as this verse tells us and treat them as an unbeliever.
Please mark it down – Biblically, the goal of all conflict must be reconciliation. The point of conflict in the world is for one side to win and the other side to lose. That’s not how brothers and sisters in Christ are to approach conflict in the church. When we have conflict in the church, both sides should win in the end. John Maxwell says, “Successful confrontation usually changes both people, not just one.”
Now this is the truth, but it’s not an easy truth. How many of you like to be told that you’re right? When you get in a spat with a spouse or a close friend, don’t you feel great when the other person says, “I’m sorry – I was wrong.” The problem is that this rarely happens. Why? It’s because almost every conflict is caused by some type of action by each person involved. It’s hardly ever just one person’s fault. Therefore, we must be willing to compromise in nearly every conflict because we need to approach every conflict as an opportunity to promote resolution. The point is not to fight, win, or prove someone wrong. The goal is to bring about reconciliation, and to restore trust and harmony in the relationship, and deeper fellowship. Unity happens when we sit down together and work through our problems. The relationship is restored through reconciliation. Everyone should win in the end when there is conflict in the church.
Recently, I had someone who was offended by another believer in our church. I shared with them these steps – that they needed to go directly to that person BUT like many of us, they didn’t want to. Finally, though, they did. I was so proud of them! They demonstrated true spiritual growth and maturity. And afterwards they told me how “free” they felt!
Conflict resolution will always bring about more unity and community. Want to know why? If you and I never have a conflict, then you’re not sure and I’m not sure that if we really, really knew each other – that our relationship would survive. But after we’ve resolved a conflict, then we know that our love, our relationship is safe and secure because it survived and is frequently stronger after conflict. Now we really know each other and we still love each other. It’s easy to like people when they do everything our way. True love and spiritual maturity is demonstrated when we disagree and then problem solve.Conclusion: Conflict can never be completely avoided, even in the church of Jesus Christ. Relationships are important. They’re important to God and His Kingdom. And they’re important to our spiritual and emotional health. God does not allow us to just discard relationships that don’t make us happy like disposable things. We’re not permitted to use relationships, dispose of them and go find another. We’re required to seek to reconcile the relationship if at all possible. Let me share some steps for helping restore broken relationships.
Pray first. When we talk to others about broken relationships, we tend to gossip. When we talk to God and ask His help, we work toward fixing the relationship.
Go first. It doesn’t matter if you did it to them or if they did it to you, we need to be the first one initiating and working toward getting it made right. Be willing too to humble yourself.
Think about them. Try to see it from their point of view. Arguments take two people. You may both be right and wrong about some things.
Admit where you’re wrong. Don’t wait to see what they do, if you were in the wrong, even a little, admit what you did wrong.
Focus on the problem. Don’t bring up the past. Don’t get historical or bring up new things. Don’t insult the person. Just try to fix the real problem that got you here.
Cooperate. Don’t try to fix unimportant things. Worry about the big stuff, and just try to get along when you don’t see eye to eye on the trivial.
Work toward relationship restoration, not winning or getting even. Try to get back together, not get even. Marriages, friendships, even churches tend to split over little things. Work on living in peace, not trying to find out where someone is wrong and making that an issue. If they are wrong, try to work on that peaceably. Don’t say, "I told you so" if they ever learn that they’re wrong. You and I must live in obedience to God’s Word. We have to work at getting along. Romans 12:18 commands us, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
For some of us, this is going to mean going to our spouse or parents or even our child to seek to restore the relationships. Some of us need to go back to some broken relationships with other Christians…maybe even a previous church or pastor. God commands us to seek to have restored relationships, will we obey?
Let me challenge you to answer this question in your own heart: What relationship in my life is broken, and what do I need to do to get it right today?