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Fundamentals of Forgiveness
Sermon 13
January 24, 2010
C.S. Lewis was on to something when he said that “Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea until they have something to forgive.”
In Washington State millions of gallons of radioactive atomic waste are being stored in huge underground tanks. While the tanks have a life expectancy of 20 or 30 years, the waste within them will remain deadly for about 600 years. We live in a society which, like those storage tanks in Washington is trying to store up anger that sooner or later is going to burst out, causing pain and misery for many. There are far too many hostile people, even in the Church, going around looking for some way to unload their anger. Anger takes a tremendous toll on those about us. Consider these statistics: 80% of all murders are committed by people who have some relationship with the victim. Someone gets angry, a gun or knife is handy…and tragedy results. According to hospital records, innumerable parents have inflicted serious injuries upon their small children in fits of rage. It’s estimated that 60,000 children a year in America are beaten to death, and that more children under five years of age are killed by their parents than die of disease.
Besides hurting others, anger is killing us. Suppressed anger and bitterness eats away at our health and peace of mind. Research indicates that unresolved anger can produce all sorts of physical disorders. Dr. Leo Madow in his book, Anger, suggests that these physical problems range all the way from arthritis to asthma, from urinary disorders to the common cold. And we’ve known for a long time that anger can cause serious emotional disorders when it’s not handled effectively. All of this should compel us to conclude that anger is one of the great problems of our time.
Dr. Leon Saul, psychiatrist and author, writes, “I believe man’s hostility to man is the central problem in human affairs…that it is a disease to be cured and prevented like cancer, TB, or smallpox, and that its cure will result in healthier, better living—not only for society in general but for each individual in particular.” While it’s not the solution to every instance of anger, forgiveness is the answer to much, if not most, of the anger we experience in life. Unresolved anger leads to bitterness, hostility and revenge. Forgiveness leads to freedom and reconciliation. No character in the drama of the book of Genesis better illustrates the Fundamentals of Forgiveness than our hero, Joseph, and no chapter more clearly defines and describes the essentials of forgiveness than Genesis 45:1-15 (p. 35). Please turn there.
Those years Joseph had spent in slavery and prison could have been the occasion for a slow burn that could have ignited into an explosion of anger at the sight of his brothers. Joseph could have been bitter at God for allowing this situation, but Joseph recognized that God was with him in his sufferings and that even the pain was ultimately from the loving hand of a sovereign God. Most of all, Joseph could have been angry with his brothers, who had callously sold him into slavery.
The high point in Joseph’s relationship with his brothers comes in Genesis 45. It’s here reconciliation is brought about between them. This was made possible on the brothers’ part by their genuine repentance, regretting their sin with regard to Joseph, and reversing their actions when a similar opportunity was presented with regard to Benjamin. But on Joseph’s part, reconciliation was achieved through his sincere and total forgiveness of his brothers for the evil they’d committed against him.
Forgiveness is an essential part of the Christian experience. It’s necessary if one is going to have a relationship with God. Jesus said, “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matt. 6:14-15). Forgiveness is an essential part of our responsibility toward others, both friends and foes. “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Eph. 4:31-5:1). “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven” (Matt. 5:43-45).
This morning we want to talk about one of the most difficult things that we’re ever asked to do—to forgive those who have hurt us. Let's face it forgiveness of any kind is hard work. But there are some who hurt us so badly that it's almost impossible to forgive them. I say "almost" because I don’t believe that God would ask us to do something that is impossible. But I would definitely say that some acts of forgiveness are superhuman and can be done only with God's power. God is in the business of reconciling broken relationships.
There is perhaps nothing as moving as witnessing a fractured family being reconciled and reunited. That's why Genesis 45 is such a moving chapter. We are allowed to look in on the reconciliation between Joseph and his brothers after 22 years of separation and estrangement. This morning we want to seek to learn these Fundamental Lessons on forgiveness which this wonderful chapter offers us. But before we consider our text, let’s lay a foundation for forgiveness in general. So if you’re taking notes…
1. A fundamental of forgiveness is that you must have a firm handle on a basic “theology of forgiveness.” I’m almost certain that everyone in this room has struggled with someone in the category of the hard-to-forgive. Maybe it's an ex-spouse, or even a present spouse who has hurt you deeply, or an employer who fired you without just cause. Perhaps it's an adult who sexually abused you as a child, or a classmate who made some extremely cutting remark. I'm talking about someone whom you’ve perhaps never forgiven, who has kept you awake at night, whom you never wish to see again, and who in your worst moments you wish would suffer or even die for what they did to you? Forgiveness is a very big and complicated topic. Obviously, this morning we don’t have time to study forgiveness completely, let me though touch on a few important themes of forgiveness so that we’re all on the same page.
a) Why should we forgive? It’s required by God. (Matt. 6:9-15, Eph. 4:32). It’s essential for our own spiritual freedom. (2 Cor. 2:5-11) And it’s the only way to stop the pain.
b) What does it mean to forgive? It’s not forgetting, at least in the sense of losing all memory of an offense. Clara Barton, the famous Civil War nurse who founded the American Red Cross, was known for never carrying grudges. One time a friend reminded her of a cruel accusation that someone had made up against her years earlier, but Clara seemed not to remember the incident. "Don't you remember the wrong that was done to you?" the friend asked. "No," Clara answered calmly. "I distinctly remember forgetting that." It’s not excusing. Sin is without excuse. It’s not tolerating. Some actions are intolerable and those who do them need to be sanctioned. It’s resolving to pay the consequences of the offender's sin ourselves and to not use it against him and it’s allowing God to be the judge. (1 Cor. 4:4-5).
c) How do we forgive? Face the hurt. Make the choice to accept the burden of the sin. Take it to the Cross. Be open to reconciliation within the bounds of reality. Recognize that forgiveness may come slowly, with some confusion, and with anger left over. Rarely is forgiveness an immediate, one-time event without lasting struggle.
Obviously a series of sermons could easily be preached on this short outline of biblical principles. But right now, with these principles in mind on the general topic of forgiveness, I want to turn your attention to a special category of forgiveness. There are some people who are especially hard to forgive. Let me suggest four categories:
* Chronic offenders. It’s one thing to forgive a person who hurts us once or twice, even deeply. It’s possible, if we try hard, to rebuild trust and to rekindle love, but what about the chronic offender, the one who hurts us again and again? I'm thinking of the spouse who is involved in an umpteenth affair or the adult child who has been in and out of rehab. I'm also thinking of chronic offenders whose faults are more mundane - the husband who’s a couch potato, the wife who’s a terrible housekeeper, the child who’s rebellious, the in-laws who never quit interfering, the neighbor who destroys the peace and tranquility that you deserve at home.
Everyone of us has such "irregular people" in our life, probably several. We try to reason with them, we pray for change, we beg for relief, but the offense goes on and on and on. Take the couch potato. Suppose his wife is a hard-working, intelligent person who hates TV and enjoys conversation, culture, and friends, but none of this is possible for her because as soon as this guy gets home from work he grabs a six-pack and flops down in front of the tube, eventually falling asleep. To make matters worse, when he finally wakes up at 1:00 in the morning and drags himself off to bed, he suddenly gets romantic! The frustration for that wife is almost unbearable. How does she forgive…over and over and over again?
* Those who hurt our children. I don't know about you, but the ones I have the hardest time forgiving are not those who hurt me, but those who hurt my family, particularly my children. When Ben was a freshman in high school, there was a group of boys who liked to pick on him. It was one of those times that I knew that I was a Christian because I could feel my blood boil.
What is it that makes it so hard to forgive those who hurt our children, whether it’s the neighborhood bully, or a child at school who makes cruel remarks, or a coach who plays favorites, or, God forbid, even a molester? I think it's because our kids are so vulnerable and we recognize from our own experience how lasting such hurts can be.
* Invisible people. Think, for example, about those who invade our lives, sometimes very briefly, hurt us, and then disappear, leaving us only with painful memories. Perhaps some of you have experienced falling deeply in love with someone special, making a tremendous emotional investment in that person, and then suddenly finding that person pulling away. Perhaps you tried to find out what happened but he or she refused to talk, treating the entire relationship as a bad joke. Your emotions undoubtedly ranged from anger to embarrassment, from hate to deep loneliness. How do you forgive that?
Another kind of invisible offender is the one who hurts us and then has the nerve to up and die before any resolution is achieved, before we gain the freedom to forgive them. King David was called upon to forgive just such an invisible person when his son Absalom staged a coup and then died during the insurrection. His burden of pain in trying to forgive someone who has died is heard in David's famous lament, “O my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! If only I had died instead of you—O Absalom, my son, my son!” (2 Sam. 18:33). Some of you were abused by your parents – emotionally, verbally, physically. Those memories are bitter and the anger you’ve carried has been devastating. Why is it so hard to forgive them now that they're gone? It's hard because they’re out of reach. We can't crawl on their laps and hear them tell us they are sorry, even if they are. Dead parents are hard to forgive also because something in us does not want our departed parents to need forgiving. We’d rather blame ourselves than the ones who gave us life. We feel we ought to view our parents as a saintly mother and a noble father, even if they weren't.
* Those who just don’t care. Most of us will at some point in our lives come across a person who hurts us intentionally and could care less. In such a case there is no hope for repentance on that person's part, but our sense of justice cries out for it. In Luke 17:3-5 we have the following dialogue between Jesus and His apostles: “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, ‘I repent,’ forgive him. The apostles said to the Lord, ‘Increase our faith!’” The interesting thing about this passage is that, contrary to some other passages, it seems to make repentance a pre-requisite for forgiveness. If he repents (or even if he says, "I repent") he should be forgiven. But what if he does neither? So with that as our foundation, let’s look specifically at this scene in Genesis 45.
2. A fundamental of forgiveness is that you have the right attitude. Most of what we’ve experience is miniscule compared to what Joseph is willing to forgive. They’d tried to kill him, had sold him into slavery. From a human perspective they’d ruined his life, as far as they were concerned. What we have here, if you know the classics, is a Count of Monte Cristo parallel. But rather than revenge, Joseph weeps and forgives. Could you have done it?
Alexander Pope was right, “to err is human, to forgive divine.” It’s said tears are windows to the soul. Can you hear that heart rendering cry through his sobbing, “I am Joseph”? He’s ready for revelation, reconciliation and a reunion. The tears flow freely that have been pent up for twenty long years. And it all goes back to his attitude, who you are is always revealed in your attitudes. Greatness is always revealed first in your attitudes. It is not your accomplishments or your actions, it is your attitude that reveals spirituality and maturity.
It takes God to make the heart right. When I have a wrong attitude, I look at life humanly. When I have a right attitude, I look at life divinely. Joseph is a hero, not because of what he does, but because of who he is. He is great because of his attitude.
What’s your attitude like? The right attitude is at the center of all healthy relationships. As you think about people who are easy to get along with, are they grumpy, negative, angry, bitter, vindictive, sarcastic, touchy? Of course not! They're pleasant, positive, relaxed, forgiving, kind, not quick to take offense or hold a grudge. These are attitudes. Reconciliation between Joseph and his brothers would never have taken place if Joseph had harbored a rotten, bitter attitude. His forgiving, kind, loving, caring attitude, in spite of the horrible rejection and harsh treatment he’d received from his brothers, opened the way for them to be reconciled to him.
As hard of a pill as it may be to swallow, the key to being reconciled to someone from whom you are estranged lies in your own heart, in your attitude. Now I know what you’re thinking: Scott, what about their attitude? Obviously, at some point their attitude also has to change for reconciliation to be complete. Frequently, though, the key to bringing them to change is when they see how you’ve responded to the wrong things they’ve done to you. Often it’s the offended person, like Joseph here, who must take the initiative in reconciliation.
When someone wrongs you, you have some choices to make. You may not think so, since your initial response is usually visceral. Usually you feel angry. But after you cool down, you have some important choices to make. Many in Joseph's situation would have allowed the hurt feelings to grow into a monster which dominated their lives. They would become angry, bitter, hostile people. You know the type.
But there's another choice: You can respond as Joseph did. I’m sure that it took him some time to work through things. It usually does. But he didn't stew about it for years. If he had, his bitter spirit would have sabotaged him back in Potiphar's house. That would have been the end of the story.
It’s apparent that Joseph dealt with his attitude early on. The sooner you get to work on it, the better, because Scripture calls bitterness a root (Heb. 12:15). A root is easier to pull out when you don't let it grow for years.
Joseph made a choice before God to forgive his brothers and to trust God to deal with them to right the wrongs. To forgive means that you choose to absorb the pain and loss caused by the other person and they go free, even when they don't deserve it. Forgiveness is costly for the one doing the forgiving. When God forgives our sins in Christ, it doesn't mean that He brushes them aside. It means that Jesus Christ paid the penalty so that we could go free. Jesus said that just as God has forgiven us, so we must forgive others from our hearts (Matt. 18:21-35).
A fundamental of forgiveness is your attitude. Ask God to give you His love and forgiveness toward the one who has wronged you. You've got to focus on your attitude, not on the other person's behavior or attitude. It's clear that Joseph had forgiven his brothers long before they came to a place of repentance.
3. A fundamental of forgiveness is your confidence. Throughout this series we’ve observed that the Joseph story is the Romans 8:28 of the Old Testament, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
While his brothers may have arranged his transportation down to Egypt, Joseph points out, that it was God who booked his trip. Verse 5 “God sent me.” Verse 7 “But God sent me.” Verses 8 “God… made me father to Pharaoh.” Verse 9 “God has made me lord of all Egypt.” Four times he says that it was God who made all of these arrangements. Basically, his brothers just carried the luggage. Joseph is a man who operated his life continually with a divine perspective.
One of the most noticeable characteristics of Joseph is the centrality of God in his life. This is such an important concept. If only each of us could grasp it in our daily lives. So often, even for Christians, God is a part of our lives, but He's not at the center. He’s a spoke in the wheel of life but He's not the hub. For Joseph though everything centered on God.
When Potiphar's wife tried to seduce Joseph, he immediately thought of God: "How then could I do this great evil, and sin against God?" (39:9). When he was in the dungeon and the cupbearer and baker had their dreams, his response was, "Do not interpretations belong to God?" (40:8). When he was called before Pharaoh, who said, "I hear you can interpret dreams," Joseph said, "It is not in me; God will give Pharaoh a favorable answer." (41:16). In giving Pharaoh the interpretation, Joseph used God's name four times to underscore to Pharaoh that it was God who was telling Pharaoh what was about to happen (41:25, 28, 32). When Joseph's wife bore him two sons, he gave them names which gave witness to God's faithfulness. He named the first Manasseh, saying, "God has made me forget all my trouble"; and he named the second Ephraim, saying, "God has made me fruitful" (41:51, 52). When Joseph's brothers came to buy grain, even though Joseph wanted to disguise himself from them, he could not hide his relationship with God. He told them, "Do this and live, for I fear God" (42:18). When they returned with Benjamin, Joseph, still disguising himself, said to his brother, "May God be gracious to you, my son" (43:29). From the first to the last, our sovereign God was at the center of Joseph's life. There are two wonderful lessons that flow out from Joseph's relationship to God.
a) Trusting God means that I am able to see God’s hand in my life in both the good and the bad. Most of us can understand when we’re mistreated or suffer when we’re doing the wrong thing. Joseph though was obeying his father. He was genuinely concerned for his brothers and they sell him into slavery. He resists Potiphar’s wife and is falsely accused of rape and thrown in a dungeon.
Yet Joseph related God to all these unfair events. To do this, you've got to look past what seems to be the primary causes, to God who really is the primary cause. It looks like somebody mistreated you, but God is using it to accomplish His will. God's purpose in all the unfairness of life that we experience is ultimately to bring ultimate glory to Himself and good to you as you trust Him. That leads to the second lesson. Once you see that God is related to every event, then…
b) Trusting God means that I am able to see God’s hand in all the circumstances of my life. I think that it’d be virtually impossible to sleep at night without a proper view of God’s providence. Why? Unless we believe that God is in sovereign control over every detail of life, we will have a paralyzing fear over what the next phone call or next knock on the door might bring.
I have no history of epilepsy in my family and had hardly seen a seizure until our son, Ben, had his first one. When Ben had brain surgery a few years ago, if I had not believed in God’s providence, I don’t know if I could have stood it. I’m not suggesting that I don’t struggle here but I knew that whatever the outcome, God was in control.
The God Who knows when a sparrow falls is profoundly involved in our lives. He has made us special objects of His love. Can we not trust Him to look after us?
This should also keep us humble. It makes us aware that all that we have, all of the successes, any ability that we have – all are gifts from God. That’s precisely what Joseph said, “God...made me father to Pharaoh” (vs. 8). None of us have anything to be proud of. It’s all a gift from God…and He can take it back, as easily as He gave it.
Trusting God’s providence means that you trust that He is good and that He is in control, even when it seems otherwise. Please hear me. The only other option is to believe that what happens is a matter of karma or chance. That's the evolutionist's explanation for life: We're here as the product of chance plus time. Maybe we can pull some of our own strings to improve our lot, but some things are just due to chance.
Many Christians, who deny evolution, live as if it were true when they complain about trials as if they've been dealt some bad hand in the game of life. When things go wrong, they don't stop to acknowledge that God is dealing with them and to submit to His sovereignty.
Please understand. I am not talking about some blind resignation to events, where we blame God for our own irresponsibility. You and I are responsible for our actions, and yet God is sovereign over all and we must submit to Him. Each person is responsible for his or her own sin, and yet God overrules even the sinful things people do and uses them to accomplish His purpose. When you submit to God's ultimate sovereignty, you can say with Joseph, "You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good." The key to reconciliation with those who have hurt you is your attitude, and the key to your attitude is relating every event in your life to God and submitting to His loving sovereignty in those events.
Conclusion: As Archbishop Temple once said, “To return evil for good is devilish. To return good for good is human. To return good for evil is divine.” Joseph models that for us. Forgiveness is virtually impossible apart from God’s grace. If we struggle with forgiveness, it says much about our lack of understanding and appropriating God’s grace in our own lives. When we really get it – when we really begin to understand how much a holy God has forgiven us, then forgiveness becomes much more simple.
God’s grace then is the key to forgiveness. Grace is irrational, unfair, unjust, and only makes sense if I believe in, another world governed by a merciful God who always offers another chance. Joseph’s forgiveness of his brothers takes my breath away and when our world sees grace in action, it falls silent.
Nelson Mandela taught the world a lesson in grace when, after emerging from prison after twenty-seven years and being elected president of South Africa, he asked his jailer to join him on the inauguration platform. He then appointed Archbishop Desmond Tutu to head an official government panel with a daunting name, the Truth and Reconciliation Commission. Mandela sought to defuse the natural pattern of revenge he’d observed in so many countries where one oppressed race or tribe took control from another.
For the next two and a half years, South Africans listened to reports of atrocities coming out of the TRC hearings. The rules were simple: if a white policeman or army officer voluntarily faced his accusers, confessed his crime, and fully acknowledged his guilt, he could not be tried and punished for that crime. Hard-liners grumbled about the obvious injustice of letting criminals go free, but Mandela insisted that the country needed healing even more than it needed justice.
At one hearing, a policeman named Van de Broek recounted an incident when he and other officers shot an eighteen-year-old boy and burned the body, turning it on the fire like a piece of barbecue meat in order to destroy the evidence. Eight years later Van de Broek returned to the same house and seized the boy's father. The wife was forced to watch as policemen bound her husband on a woodpile, poured gasoline over his body, and ignited it.
The courtroom grew hushed as .the elderly woman who’d lost first her son, and then her husband was given a chance to respond. "What do you want from Mr. Van de Broek?" the judge asked. She said she wanted Van de Broek to go to the place where they burned her husband's body and gather up the dust so she could give him a decent burial. His head down, the policeman nodded agreement.
Then she added a further request, "Mr. Van de Broek took all my family away from me, and I still have a lot of love to give. Twice a month. I would like for him to come to the ghetto and spend a day with me so I can be a mother to him. And I would like Mr. Van de Brock to know that he is forgiven by God, and that I forgive him too. I would like to embrace him so he can know my forgiveness is real."
Spontaneously, some in the courtroom began singing Amazing Grace, as this elderly woman made her way to the witness stand, but Van de Broek did not hear the hymn. He’d fainted, overwhelmed.
Justice was not done in South Africa that day, nor in the entire country during months of agonizing procedures by the TRC. Something beyond justice took place. "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."
Nelson Mandela and Desmond Tutu understood that when evil is done, one response alone can overcome the evil. Revenge perpetuates the evil. Justice punishes it. Evil is overcome by good only if the injured party absorbs it, refusing to allow it to go any further.
And that is the pattern of otherworldly grace that Jesus showed in His life and death. That’s the pattern Joseph demonstrated when he modeled the Fundamentals of Forgiveness.
Let me close this morning with Three Questions: 1. Who do you need to forgive? Is there someone you’ve been holding hostage? It’s time to set them free. Are you ready to do that? Friend, it’s time to forgive by following the example of Joseph. 2. Who needs to forgive you? Have you wronged someone and have never asked for their forgiveness? If you want a clean conscience, it’s time to make things right. Meet with that individual today. Don’t delay. 3. Are you ready to ask God for forgiveness? Have you ever confessed your sins to a holy God? Because of your offenses, your relationship with Him has been severed. Receive the forgiveness that only Jesus can give you. Don’t put this decision off. Do it today. Right now. You’ll never be the same. You’ll experience freedom like you’ve never had before.
