What Kind Of Parent Are You? Romans 7:21-23 Sermon 5 February 19th, 2012   In an article entitled, Dr. Jekyll and Momma Hyde -- Facing the darker side of parenting, Christian author, Nancy Ortberg, candidly writes:   “Like most women, I changed profoundly when I became a mother. For starters, there emerged within me a person I had never met, a person I liked very much—a loving, caring, nurturing woman who thrived on providing for her little one. I watched her amazed. But another person emerged who was not nearly as attractive. She was frazzled and angry and impatient. She snapped at her husband, lost her temper quickly and sometimes even resented losing the freedom she'd once had. And I watched her in amazement. In his classic story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Robert Louis Stevenson begins with the doctor saying, ‘I stood already committed to the profound duplicity of life, that humankind is not truly one but two. And that these polar twins should be continuously struggling.’” Most young parents would never have guessed that this same polarity exists in them and would come out in parenting. The Apostle Paul describes this internal struggle between the good and the evil in us. Please turn to Romans 7:21-23 (p. 944). Paul would have made a great parent. The truth is that we all like to think that we're good people. We read the paper or watch the evening news and think “I'm not like those people.” Yet, after becoming a parent, we can no longer believe that. Parenting brings out a side of us that we may have never known was there before. Parenting has a way of revealing who we really are. Parenting is also our opportunity by God’s power and grace working in us to grow and become like God. The various parenting images in Scripture reveal much more than instructions for raising children. They are pictures of God's love for us. "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast," says Isaiah 49:15, "and have no compassion on the child she has borne?" "As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you" (Isa. 66:13). These verses speak of a mother's indescribable love for her children. Deep down, we all know that we will always do everything in our power to care for our children. More importantly, they tell of God's assurance that He will always be there, loving and transforming us, no matter how often Mommy or Daddy Hyde rears his or her ugly head. This year some six million Americans will take a life-changing step. Not only will this step change their lives, it will have a profound effect on the next generation as well...they will have children. How they raise these youngsters will have a greater impact on society than the way they vote, the art they create, the books they read, the technological problems they solve, or even all the money that they make or spend. And yet, perhaps as never before in our nation's history have parents faced and felt more pressure or sought more help in the raising of their children. One pediatrician noted that "Raising children was somewhat like baking a cake; you don't realize you've got a disaster until it's too late." As Christians, there’s no greater place where we evidence that we are living out a Christian Counter-Culture than in our parenting. A godless world will tell you that success comes from prosperity; the Bible teaches that success comes from our posterity. God’s Word makes it vividly clear that we will not leave a mark on this world by our material possessions, but you can leave an eternal impression on this world through our children, our posterity. J.W. Whitehead said that "Children are the living messages that we send to a time we will not see." May the words of Canadian real estate baron, Steve Sander, be a warning to us, as we fight the temptation to live for prosperity rather than posterity. Steve Sander said, "I'd make a $20 million deal and come home and say, ‘This is insane. I need something for my soul. I'll leave behind a real legacy not just real estate'." As parents, all of us know the difficulty of maintaining the balance of proper discipline and proper love. Balance is very hard to reach and more difficult to maintain. We humans tend to be extremists. We swing from the far left to the far right. Seldom do we maintain balance. Our tendency is to be extremists in everything we do, yet a vital key to being a good parent is balance. In a day of radical extremism the Bible is a refreshing source of information because it is so balanced. Someone observed, "Nature is rather careless about whom it allows to become mamas and papas. The qualifications are not very high; in fact, it is not necessary to know a single fact abut children in order to produce one." A survey was taken of young people from Christian homes to discover why so many young people who were growing up in these same Christian homes were later on repudiating the very value system that they had supposedly been raised in; why so many of them were now living lives of open rebellion against God? The survey revealed Four Types of Parents and the two essential parenting tools: Love and Discipline are vitally connected with these parents. Love includes flexibility, instruction and compassion. Discipline includes control, restraints and correction. As we consider these Four Types of Parents, let me encourage you to ask yourself, which parent am I most like? With each one of these parents come a Biblical example and a key word. 1. Lot was a neglectful parent. Genesis 19:14, “So Lot went out and said to his sons-in-law, who were to marry his daughters, ‘Up! Get out of this place, for the LORD is about to destroy the city.’ But he seemed to his sons-in-law to be jesting.” Remember Lot? Lot was Abraham the patriarch's nephew. Because he and Abraham were both very wealthy, their flocks began competing for the same pasture, so Abraham told Lot to choose which territory that he would like (Gen. 13). And Lot chose to move his herds toward Sodom, one of the most debauched and wicked cities of that day. Eventually, Lot leaves shepherding, moves into Sodom and became the mayor of Sodom, because of the perversity of Sodom though God destroys it. Lot escapes with his two daughters but though Lot is out of Sodom, Sodom is not out of Lot...at least not his daughters. Genesis 19 contains the horrible account of how they got their own father intoxicated and then slept with him. Lot is a Biblical example of neglectful parent. Lot was missing both parts of the formula. He was low in both discipline and he was also low in love. There are two extremes of the Neglectful Parent: 1) There’s the slob. They’re unkempt, lazy and unconcerned. They obviously don't care about themselves or their children. 2) The other extreme is well kept yet extremely busy. This is the individual who’s always doing something but has no time for their more important responsibilities. Many times they’re involved in good things but they neglect the best or that which is most important. They don't take the responsibility of spiritual leadership in the home. Oftentimes this is a work-a-holic. Work-a-holics like Lot usually wake up but it is generally too late to salvage the wrecked lives. The Key Word is "flees." This parent flees or forsakes his/her responsibility. They’re virtually unaware of what’s going on with their kids. Many times they’re concerned, like Lot, with personal pleasure rather than parental responsibility. They want to climb the corporate ladder, have a successful business or a beautiful home. They may want to have fantastic vacations. All of those things are good things but they are not the best things. Parents, let me challenge you to get a handle on your priorities. Lot became politically active; eventually he became the mayor of the city. And there was nothing wrong with being politically active but he totally neglected the spiritual instruction of his children and the result was disastrous. 2. Eli was a permissive parent. 1 Samuel 3:11-13, "Then the LORD said to Samuel, 'Behold, I am about to do a thing in Israel at which the two ears of everyone who hears it will tingle. On that day I will fulfill against Eli all that I have spoken concerning his house, from beginning to end. And I declare to him that I am about to punish his house forever, for the iniquity that he knew, because his sons were blaspheming God, and he did not restrain them'."  Our second Biblical example is the high priest, Eli. Eli knew what his sons were doing was wrong but he’s afraid to correct it. His sons became priests and started stealing from the offering. They also began having immoral relationships with women worshipers…and Eli closes his eyes to it. This permissive parent is low in discipline but high in love. They're afraid to say "no" to the child. They so desire to have the child's love that as a result they sacrifice discipline to get it. They feel guilty if they discipline their child so they don't do it. This may even be more common today when either both parents work or there’s a broken home or a blended family. Because of feelings of guilt, parents fail their children and their God-given responsibility of being the parent. At a Psychologists' Conference in Los Angeles, the keynote speaker made the statement that "the greatest social disaster of this century is the belief that abundant love makes discipline unnecessary." Dad, Mom...you cannot love your children into godly behavior! The permissive parent will compromise regarding sin in order to be accepted rather than risk rejection by the child. They can't stand it if their child tells them that they’re mean or unfair or the only parent in the world who won't let them do something. The key word is "Fear." The parent fears their responsibility. They want their children to like them. They want to be their child’s buddy. But parents, God has called us to be our children's parent, not their buddy. Ruling with love is essential but it has to be done with control. Permissiveness results in a lack of respect for self and a lack of respect to authority. Permissiveness is the absence of effective parental authority and it results in a lack of boundaries for the child. A child without boundaries will be confused and insecure. A major issue today is that so many have never been taught good boundaries. That begins in those formative years of childhood. How do you destroy a child with too much freedom? Someone has suggested that: 1) Give him plenty of free spending money. 2) Permit him to choose his own friends without restraint or direction.  3) Give him a latchkey and allow him to return home at any hour of the night. 4) Make no inquiry as to where and with whom he spends his leisure hours. 5) Get him to understand that manners make a good substitute for morals.  6) Let him learn to expect pay for every act of helpfulness. 7) Let him spend his church-time hours on the street instead of in church. 8) Don't make him go to church or youth group. 8) Be careful never to let him hear you pray. During the early days of the progressive education movement, one enthusiastic theorist decided to take down the chain-link fence that surrounded a pre-school playground. He thought the children would feel more freedom of movement without that visible barrier surrounding them. When the fence was removed, however, the children huddled near the center of the playground. Not only did they not wander away, they didn't even venture to the edge of the grounds. Parents, there is security in defined limits. Your children need to know what the boundaries are...and the boundaries need to be consistent with both parents. When the home atmosphere is as it should be, the child lives in safety and security. 3.  King Saul was the authoritarian parent. 1 Samuel 20:30-33, "Then Saul's anger was kindled against Jonathan, and he said to him, 'You son of a perverse, rebellious woman, do I not know that you have chosen the son of Jesse to your own shame, and to the shame of your mother's nakedness? For as long as the son of Jesse lives on the earth, neither you nor your kingdom shall be established. Therefore send and bring him to me, for he shall surely die.' Then Jonathan answered Saul his father, 'Why should he be put to death? What has he done?' But Saul hurled his spear at him to strike him. So Jonathan knew that his father was determined to put David to death." It was probably safer to be King Saul's dog than his son. King Saul had an anger problem. He was an early Adolph Hitler. An authoritarian parent is high in discipline but low in love. The home is run like a Marine Boot Camp. This parent rarely, if ever, admits he/she is wrong. They tend to be impatient with people's problems and have explosive tempers. The child suffers the humiliation of total domination. He is unable to make his own decisions and his personality is squelched beneath the hobnailed boot of parental authority. The home atmosphere is matter-of-fact with no foolishness permitted but kids need to be permitted to be kids. James Dobson observes, “Children are like clocks; they must be allowed to run." Please note though, the authoritarian parent is generally right in their judgments. Their morals are above reproach. The problem is that they lack sensitivity and love. Some times they’re overly strict because they’re covering up for some moral failure in their own lives. Or, they’re determined to have perfect children forgetting their child already has imperfect parents. They may use anger or even sarcasm to keep their child under control. King Saul began his reign, meek and humble with a right spirit toward God. But after he disobeyed God, he began to excuse and rationalize his behavior. As a result he became proud, stubborn, jealous and unpredictable. The key word is this parent "Forces" the child. This type of parenting eventually produces bitterness and rebellion against any type of authority. Or, it will produce kids who are so beaten down that they have no backbone. They fear making any decision because it might be a wrong decision. 4. Abraham was the authoritative parent. Genesis 18:17-19, "The LORD said, 'Shall I hide from Abraham what I am about to do, seeing that Abraham shall surely become a great and mighty nation, and all the nations of the earth shall be blessed in him? For I have chosen him, that he may command his children and his household after him to keep the way of the LORD by doing righteousness and justice, so that the LORD may bring to Abraham what he has promised him." The Biblical example of an authoritative parent is Abraham. Abraham was high in discipline and also high in love. His was a balanced view of parenting. He's not willing to sacrifice principles, yet he maintains control of his child. His control though is tempered with sensitivity and love. Interestingly, of all four parents that we’ve mentioned, Abraham was called the "friend of God." Personally, I believe that Abraham parented Isaac just like he himself had been parented by God. When God is our model, not how we were raised, not how everyone else is doing it – then we will parent wisely and successfully. Now someone might be asking, "What's the difference between being authoritative and authoritarian?" Let me put it this way. An authoritative leads you into obedience, an authoritarian one beats you into it. Balance provides security in the child and produces submission to the will of the parent. The key word is this parent "Fellowships" with the child. The ultimate test of Abraham's parenting came in Genesis 22 when in obedience to God he offered up Isaac. God was the priority in Abraham's life, not Isaac. And because God had first place, Isaac had a model father. The Permissive Parent though would have been afraid to interrupt Isaac's schedule to ask him to go with him to Mt. Moriah. The Neglectful Parent wouldn't have known where to find Isaac. The Authoritarian Parent would have yanked Isaac out of bed at 4 am and informed him that he was going on a one way hike in the mountains with Daddy. Praise God, Abraham was obedient...oh yes, Abraham had his problems, but he trained Isaac the right way, so that Isaac becomes a picture of the Lord Jesus and His sacrifice on the Cross. 5. I’m the parent of an adult child. But what if your kids aren’t kids yet they’re still at home. Because of our current economic downturn, we’re seeing an increase in what’s been labeled “The Boomerang Generation.” The Boomerang Generation refers to young adults who choose to move back in with their parents or grandparents after college, or those who’ve never moved out in the first place. There are many variables and unique elements in these situations but let me seek to share some general biblical principles to assist you in handling this. a. Your first priority must be spiritual. The truth is that we tend to get all bent out of shape over the wrong battles. In eternity, it really is not going to matter whether your adult child made their bed every day or not. Most of us are familiar with that phrase from Joshua 24:15 when Joshua stated, “As for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.” Have you ever thought about how old Joshua was when he made that stand? He was well over 100. He was a grandfather and most likely a great-grandfather. So what does that mean for us? Your first priority must be spiritual? I think that it obviously means that anyone living under your roof or being underwritten financially by you goes to a Bible-believing church. It’s a house rule. They also should be part of a smaller Bible study and peer group where they can ask questions and interact, where they will be sharpened spiritually. If you have a son or daughter away at college, tell them you’ll help with the bill but they need to be part of an InterVarsity or Campus Crusade group. They’re going to have friends. Help direct some of that toward godliness. Now some of you are thinking, “I can’t make them do that. They’re 18.” There is another side to that. You’re also over 18 and they can’t make you send a check. Someone is going to say, “I don’t want to force them to do something spiritual.” You’re not because no one is forcing them to live at home or take your money for tuition. Think about this. Does anyone “make” you go to work? No, but those monthly bills sure motivate you. And if they live at home, it doesn’t have to be our church. It does need to be a Bible-believing church and small group. Now I happen to believe that ours are the best…but I am a tad prejudiced. This would obviously mean that ungodly behavior is not allowed in my home. My home is a gift from God so I need to make sure that I honor Him in my home. This may help you. What would you allow or not allow a neighbor to do in your home, if they needed a place to stay for a week? I wouldn’t let an unmarried couple stay in my home overnight in the same room. I’m not going to judge them for it, yet I’m not going to enable it in under my own roof, in my own house that God entrusted to me. b. Stay focused on the bigger goal. What’s should be every parent’s goal for their children? To see them move into a healthy adulthood. You are mentoring the individuals who are going to raise your grandchildren. You are mentoring the individuals who will probably make end of life decisions for you and will be the ones choosing your nursing home. Those are not decisions for immature children. Pastor Stephen Freed shared of asking his daughter, “Elizabeth, what will you do if I end up like Granddaddy someday?" Watching his father slowly deteriorate from an incurable disease had been a painful process—one that has raised many such difficult questions in his mind. So when he posed this particular question to his 15-year-old daughter, her response gave him a lot to think about. “I don’t know, Dad," she answered after a moment. "But I’m watching you to find out." You and I need to help our children learn to be adults. Adulthood is not an age, it’s being independent: spiritually, financially, mentally, emotionally, socially, etc. We need to pattern for them what we want them to be. Part of adulthood is signing contracts and taking responsibility. I’d suggest some house rules before they move in or when they turn 18. Responsibilities like cooking, cleaning, taking care of themselves and their stuff, basic responsibilities. It might be good to have a written agreement. Memories tend to fade according to our favor. Please do not have knock-down, drag out fights with your adult children. If they refuse to live up with your house rules, then you need to do what any landlord does? You need to evict them. You are not helping them move toward adulthood to allow childish, irresponsible behavior to continue with you footing the bill. Several manifestations of adult children refusing to grow up can be found in chronic job-hopping or lengthy unemployment, developing a lot of debt, poor motivation to even begin looking for a job, lack of respect for any form of authority (including parents), low self-esteem, difficulty in establishing or maintaining relationships, rude and ungrateful behavior, verbal and physical abuse of parents, perhaps even going so far as to create one crisis after another in order to avoid real-life consequences of decisions made. As much as you can, you need to help them move into adulthood. c. Remember that only responsibility develops maturity. John D. Rockefeller got into a New York City cab one day heading for a meeting. The cabby recognized him and asked, "Mr. Rockefeller, I have some money to invest. Can you advise me?" "Sure," replied Rockefeller, "you need to make good decisions." The cabby responded, "Thanks for the tip but how can I learn to make good decisions?" "Experience," came Rockefeller’s advice. "How can I get experience?" asked the cabby and Rockefeller responded, "By making bad decisions." Parents, even parents of adult children hate to see their children suffer or go through pain. Unfortunately, most of us do not learn apart from pain. So if they lose their job because they overslept, let them lose their job. If they flunk out because they don’t show up for class or do the assignments, then let them flunk out. If they get thrown in jail, then let them figure out how to get themselves out of jail. Years ago I was talking to a Dad who was bailing out his son for about the 10th time and I asked him how many more times he was going to bail him out? Pain usually brings change and with it growth. No pain, no change. Conclusion: So what kind of parent are you? Be one that honors the Lord. As we close today, let me warn you of a far too typical scenario. Frequently, one parent will attempt to compensate for the other. If Dad is authoritarian, Mom may be permissive to compensate. But it only confuses the children. If Mom is a marine sergeant, Dad may act like Santa Claus.  How we need wisdom from God to enable us to maintain the right balance. So please ask yourself, "Which parent am I most like?" Then, do something really courageous, particularly if you have older children – ask your children. Parents, some day we will be the mothers and fathers who are called on the holiday. Some day we will be the grandparents. If our children, raise their children the way they were raised – what does the future for our posterity look like? Please invest in something that will last. Be a balanced, godly parent – discipline your children, tempered with love and sensitivity. Present to the Lord a child who has control of himself and is controlled by the Holy Spirit. It’s not enough to raise good children. Pagans can have good children. We want to raise godly children. We want to encourage our young adults to live godly lives. Do you see things with eternity in view, from God's perspective? What are you focusing on? Are you seeking to please God by being a faithful parent and raising children that will honor and glorify Him? Romans 14:8 says, “For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord's.”   You and I must by God’s grace working in us, be like Christ Jesus. We must humble ourselves even to the point of death, and the parenting of our adult children will be a joy! Someday your children will raise your grandchildren. Are you preparing them for that vital responsibility? Someday they will meet Jesus? Have we prepared them as much as we are able to meet Him as their Savior and Lord?