Grace Church
257 Kendall Street
Burlington, WI 53105

(262) 763-3021

How to be liberated from Loneliness Psalms 102:1-7 Dealing with Feelings Sermon Series Sermon #1 [Open with Film Clip from Cast Away -- calling out to see if someone else is on the island] “Alone, alone, all, all, alone.  Alone on a wide, wide sea; And never a saint took pity on  My soul in agony.” Those words were written by the English poet, Samuel Taylor Coleridge, nearly two hundred years ago. Listen to the words of contemporary poets, most put to music. Can you hear the lonely voices crying out? All the lonely people, Where do they all come from? All the lonely people, Where do they belong? (The Beatles) Now looking back over the years, And whatever else that appears. I remember I cried when my father died. Never wishing to hide the tears. And at sixty-five years old. My mother, God rest her soul. Couldn’t understand why the only man. She had ever loved had been taken, Leaving her to start with a heart so badly broken. Despite encouragement from me, No words were ever spoken. And when she passed away, I cried and cried all day. Alone again, naturally (Gilbert O’Sullivan). Just take a little walk down lonely street to heartbreak hotel (Elvis Presley). Do me wrong, Do me right. Tell me lies but hold me tight. Save your good-byes for the morning light. But don’t let me be lonely tonight (James Taylor). What can I do to get back to you. I’m feeling desperate and lonely (Bonnie Rait). Seems I’m not alone at being alone. Hundred million castaways searching for a home (Sting). Ours is a very lonely world.   While Tom Hanks in Cast Away had reasons to feel lonely. He was totally alone on a deserted island. What about the rest of us? A recent Gallup poll said that four out of ten Americans admit to frequent feelings of loneliness. Millions of individuals suffer from the distress of isolation, the feeling that no one really knows them, and worse, no one cares. They are tormented by the crushing thought that they are alone in their world. While, for most of us loneliness is a temporary feeling, for far too many it is a continual experience. It’s also the root cause of many other emotional issues; depression, anxiety, anger.   Many are so desperate to be free of loneliness that while many Internet businesses are dying, new Internet dating sites launch regularly. Online dating sites attract about 20% of the Internet population. Last year an estimated 17.2 million people viewed online personals and 2.5 million of them paid for online ads. It’s being dubbed the E-Bay of people. Loneliness is an epidemic in American culture.   But this is not Sociology 101. Does the Bible have anything to say about loneliness? Yes. The only thing that the Creator God said was “not good” was His creation, man – alone. Turn to Genesis 2:15-18 (p. 2). A loving God does not want us to suffer and He does not want any of us to be lonely. The first problem in the creation, the first thing “not good” was loneliness. And God solved it and He still wants to solve it for each of us today. This morning as we study this horrible feeling of loneliness, we want to consider from a Biblical perspective, How to be liberated from Loneliness.   1. What is loneliness? Is it some form of being introverted? Is it just a pattern of shyness? Let’s define it this way... Loneliness is a feeling of separation, isolation, or distance in human relationships. Loneliness implies emotional pain to some degree, an empty feeling, and a yearning to feel understood and accepted by someone.   Please note though that although feelings of loneliness can be intensified when a person is alone, being alone is not the same as loneliness. Times of solitude can be healthy for us, particularly spiritually. Many thrive in solitude.    But some of the loneliest people you will ever meet are married, or have large families or work for large companies. But some of the most content individuals you will encounter, live and work virtually alone. While solitude is the state of being alone, it is not the same as loneliness. The fact is that you can be alone without being lonely and lonely without being alone.   2. Lonely individuals are all around us. Incredibly, someone who seems to have it all, movie star Winona Ryder, said, “When I was 18, I was driving around at two in the morning, completely crying and alone and scared. I drove by this magazine stand that had this Rolling Stone that I was on the cover of, and it said, 'Winona Ryder: The Luckiest Girl in the World.' And there I was feeling more alone than I ever had."   Internationally renowned physicist, Albert Einstein, said, “It is strange to be known so universally, and yet be so lonely.”   There is no age, marital or family stage that is immune to loneliness. It can strike anyone from a small child to a senior citizen. Let me suggest some people groups though that seem more susceptible to loneliness.   A. Lonely in Singleness. One of the fastest growing demographic groups in America is singles. Some are widowed. Others divorced. Many have never been married. They now make up one-third of the population. Holidays and events that are typically “family” or “couple” events like Valentine’s Day, New Year’s, Christmas, etc., often can heighten their sense of loneliness. If the person is widowed or divorced, those days may also be flooded with emotional memories. Survivors often feel guilty for surviving.   Churches need to continually seek to be sensitive too that they are not so family or couple oriented, that they neglect ministering to this large group.   B. Lonely in Marriage. Many singles have been shocked to find that there is something worse than being single, and that’s being married and miserable.   Bill Hybels insightfully writes, “Saying ‘I do’ does not change people. In fact, marriage without the transforming power of the Holy Spirit, when it comes to a marriage partner, what you see is what you get. And sadly, sometimes what you see before marriage is better than you get after marriage.” Russian author, Anton Chekov, said, “If you are afraid of loneliness, don’t marry.” And you don’t have to be married to an unbeliever to be miserable and lonely in marriage, though that certainly complicates matters. Some of the loneliest people you will ever meet are married people who cannot share their heart or lives with their mate. I believe that it is much more frustrating and this loneliness is more intense than it is for a single. Because if you are lonely in marriage, you know that you shouldn’t be. It’s like having a million dollars in the bank but continually living hand to mouth.   C. Lonely in Aging. Each day the percentage increases. Assisted living centers grow more crowded. Each of us is growing older. Seniors often feel the hurt of investing in their children who now simply don’t have time for them, or don’t have as much time as their parents would like. They no longer are needed at the office or shop. And the golden years haven’t turned out like they were supposed to. If the most exciting part of your day is watching the Weather Channel, or you can’t wait for a telemarketer to call, then you probably have a problem with loneliness.   D. Lonely in Leadership. Read the biographies of our presidents and you will find that they struggled with loneliness in leadership. CEOs, executives, heads of organizations often struggle with great loneliness. There are many things that they cannot share. Many decisions are their’s alone to bear. They are often not certain if their friends are their friends, or merely friends of their power and influence.   After a visit to the palace to visit with Queen Victoria, the great poet Alfred Lord Tennyson commented, "Up there, in all her glory and splendor, she was lonely." The loneliness of leadership.   Some of the loneliest individuals I have ever met are pastors. Many men of God feel that they have no one to talk to and I have found that their wives are often lonelier. Their husband ministers to everyone else and when he comes home, he is wiped out and she doesn’t want to add to his burden. But the result is often terrible loneliness. Obviously, some temperaments handle it better than others.   E. Lonely in Youth. The issue of loneliness is probably the most serious for young people. For some reason loneliness does its greatest damage to this group. Part of it is their need to be accepted, part of it is their emotional maturity. But the results of loneliness on this age group are disastrous. Loneliness is the driving factor behind most teenage promiscuity, drug use, alcoholism and suicide. These destructive behaviors are cries for help, often from very, very lonely hearts.   Noted youth authority, Josh McDowell tells this tragic story, “Recently a fourteen-year-old girl came up to me and said that during the previous week she had had sex with three different guys. I’m not sure what she thought I would do. Perhaps she was trying to shock me, but all I said was, “Why do you do it?” Her answer: “Because at least for a moment I feel like I’m loved.”    Young people, do not make the mistake of believing that sexual intimacy, drugs or alcohol, can solve your loneliness issues. They only complicate them. And no situation is so bad that it is worth taking your own life for.   Loneliness is not a respecter of persons. Age, marital status, economic status, position, even spiritual condition cannot keep it at bay. It knows no boundaries and can attack anyone. Some of the greatest heroes in Scripture struggled with horrific loneliness. King David, who wrote most of the book of Psalms, said “no one cares for my life” (Ps. 142:4). Jeremiah was known as the weeping prophet and had a lonely, heartbreaking ministry. He wrote the book of Lamentations, much of it his brokenness over his people. Elijah, the great prophet, cried out with a broken heart to God, “I am the only one left” (I Kings 19:14). Even the Apostle Paul wrote to his son in the faith, Timothy, “At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them” (2 Tim. 4:16). If you are one of the lonely people, you are not alone and you are in good company.   3. There are some basic causes to loneliness. If you get nothing else today, please get this –    A. The foundational cause of all loneliness is sin. Turn back to Genesis 2:25. Notice, there is no sin and there is no shame – before one another or before God. Pick it up in chapter 3:1-8. They now had shame with one another and shame before God. Sin and this sense of shame are at the root of all loneliness.   God created us with a twofold need – fellowship with God and companionship with other human beings. Sin contaminates and complicates that. We hide from God and we hide from one another. Even in marriage, we have difficulty with being transparent. A healthy marriage, a growing marriage is one in which we are continually peeling back the layers.   But because of this sense of shame, we hide from one another. We don’t want people to really know us...because they might not like us. We’re now afraid of one another. We have difficulty being candid and vulnerable with one another. But trust, vulnerability are essential for friendships and relationships. Sin gave birth though to such feelings as envy, jealousy, rivalry, hostility, rejection and hatred...all intimacy killers. With the entrance of sin into the world perfect fellowship with God and other human beings was lost. Sin brought in the greatest separator...death itself. But there may be other contributory causes to loneliness.   B. Sometimes loneliness is self-inflicted. In Readers Digest there was a story of a forester that would often have to consult property owners to determine boundary lines. On one occasion while this forester was walking up a dirt road to question one such individual, he encountered signs that read: “No  Trespassing,” “Beware of Dog,” and “Keep Out–This Means You.” Finally arriving at the door of the home, he talked with the congenial, cooperative landowner. When the forester was ready to leave, the homeowner said to him, “Come and see me again sometime. I don’t get many visitors up this way.” Many times lonely individuals are send off anti-friendship signals and don’t even know it. I’d encourage you, if you have difficulty with relationships to do a study of King Saul. Here was a man who had everything, except friends. And it was all self-inflicted. What are some friend repellers?   1) The Perfect Friend Syndrome. My experience has been that the most common friendship killer is when someone looking for the “perfect friend.” They may believe that they married that person, only to find that they didn’t. Every friendship, to some degree, is a disappointment. Often this person did not feel loved or accepted by their parents, and they are now looking for someone to fill that hole left from childhood. It is a hole which cannot be filled. It instead must be healed.   2) Users and Takers. There are some who wear out their welcome. They are draining. Often they are immature and childish. They only take and use their friends...and too often they find that they have used them up. Friendships are to be reciprocal. They also need space to grow. Prov. 25:17 says, “Withdraw your foot from your neighbor's house; lest he wearies of you and hates you.”   3) Chronics. Individuals who are chronically angry, negative, critical or complaining – will have difficulty with loneliness. If you are a grouch, besides sinning, you are going to be lonely. Can I be honest? There are some friendships with colleagues in the ministry that I have let die. I found that these individuals wore me out and hurt my own spirit. Most of them were just chronically negative or complaining.   Just recently I read that one of the two worst things you can do in a marriage is nag. It’s an intimacy killer. Chronics are usually lonely people. But it is self-inflicted and it is easily solved, change. There are others; pride, materialism, fanaticism, etc...all are friendship killers   If you struggle with loneliness, let me encourage you to find a godly friend, someone who loves you. Someone you trust. Ask them to honestly answer this question, “Am I contributing to my own loneliness by repellent behavior/s?”   C. Sometimes loneliness is Sovereignly allowed. God sometimes allows loneliness in our lives for our spiritual growth. Moses was self-sufficient until God allowed him to lose his position and friendship. It was then that Moses turned to God, learned to depend on him and became spiritually useable.   God often uses loss, loss of a spouse or a friend to bring us to Himself. Some people have come to Christ simply because they moved to a new city. And now that they needed new friends, they were open to the Gospel. Many of them have gone to a Bible-believing church in search of friends and they have met the Greatest Friend, Jesus Christ. Sometimes God removes human relationships so that we realize how much we need His friendship.   I thought that the movie Cast Away was a powerful film. But the director blew it on one point. There is no way someone would end up stranded on a deserted island and never once pray. That to me is too unbelievable. There are no atheists in foxholes. Loneliness is sometimes Sovereignly allowed to bring us to God.   4. You really can be liberated from your loneliness. A woman went to the doctors' office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old. She has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her that she was pregnant!” The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?”   Now what I’m going to suggest here is not nearly that dramatic. The fact is that people will do all kinds of things to escape loneliness. One of the more creative approaches was by a man who went to a psychiatrist and asked for a split personality. At least that way he would have someone to live with!   What I’m going to suggest is much simpler.     A. Accept God’s cure for your loneliness. Each of us has a God-shaped hole in our soul. No human relationship, whether a mate, a lover, a friend or even our own child – can fill that hole.   Our sin destroys our fellowship with God but Jesus’ death on the Cross means that the walls have been torn down. When we commit our lives to Christ, when we accept Christ as the payment for all of our sin and accept God’s forgiveness, we are cleansed from our guilt and shame. And when we accept Christ as our Lord and Savior, God becomes our Heavenly Father. He loves us and accepts us just the way we are. He loves us unconditionally.   The freedom from loneliness begins at salvation. The early church father, Augustine, said “God created man for Himself and hearts are restless until they find rest in Him.” If you’ve never committed your life to Christ, you will never be free from loneliness until you do.   B. Appropriate God’s promises and allow His Spirit to fill your soul. If you tell your teenager that they can have the car Friday night, the next sound you hear will be the wheels squealing as they pull out of the driveway. Something would be really strange if your teen came back to you five minutes later and asked, “Did you really mean it when you said that I could have the car?” No, even though you are a human parent, they take you at your word.   Why don’t we take our Heavenly Father at His Word? If you are a child of God and if loneliness is a struggle for you, then I’d encourage you to start memorizing those promises about God’s love and presence, meditate on them and bathe in them. Romans 8 would be a good start.   Determine to be in the Word every day. Allow God’s promises to fill your heart and life. It never ceases to amaze me how many believers struggle with serious issues yet will not simply take the time to get into God’s Word...and then they wonder why they struggle?   Let God’s Word and Spirit have total control of your life. If you are a believer, struggle with loneliness, and are consistently in the Word, then I am going to suggest that one of the fruits of the Spirit may be lacking. Spirit-filled fruitful believers are magnetic. People, even lost people, want to be around someone filled with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Gal. 5:22-23). Often lonely people are also critical people. When God’s fruit of love fills my heart, I stop looking for perfect people (who don’t exist) and lovingly accept people as they are.    If loneliness is an issue for you, ask God to search your heart and enable you to see if there is a fruit deficiency. I’d also encourage you to seek out a godly friend who will “speak the truth in love” to you.   When Dr. William Culbertson, for many years the president of Moody Bible Institute, was in the hospital, the nurses at the nurses’ station said of him, “When you go into that man’s room, it’s as if you are walking into the presence of God.” Dr. Culbertson was filled with the fruits of the Spirit and his life supernaturally attracted others.     C. Actively interact with your eternal family. I John 1:7 says, “If we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another.” Not only do you have a new Father but you have lots of brothers and sisters. To be sure there are a few nuts on the Family Tree but the local church is where we are accepted whether we are black, white or brown, rich or poor, talented or untalented, old or young. It’s level ground at the foot of the Cross.   Now this may seem rather blunt, but it’s true: Loneliness is a personal choice for the believer. I’m not talking about the isolated moments we all periodically experience but lingering, pervasive loneliness. God has provided you with everything that you need and if you choose to dwell in the lifestyle of loneliness, that is a choice that you have made. God has given us His Son, His Word and brothers and sisters in faith.   The Bible knows nothing of a lone ranger mentality. Nearly every book in the New Testament was written to a community of believers. Every time the word saint appears in Scripture it is plural. And most of the time when the word you is used in the New Testament, though we interpret it as 2nd person singular, it is 2nd person plural. While individualism is very American it is totally unbiblical and foreign to New Testament Christianity. We are incomplete without the unity of believers serving one another by utilizing their particular gifts.   Remember too that the Christian life is one of giving not getting. Friendships are damaged when we enter them with a goal to get rather than give. Look for people to minister to and you will never lack for friends. Ask yourself, “Am I prepared to become sacrificially involved in the lives of others?” All friendships involve time and risks.  You have to invest in them. You may be betrayed or even hurt. Without risks though there are rarely rewards.   If you are lonely, seek out those whom you can help and befriend. Then, are you in an Adult Bible Study, Disciples for Life? Are you involved in a ministry, using your gifts to serve the Lord and others? Oh, I know you’re too busy. Maybe others pick up on that and they conclude that  you’re too busy for them to be your friend?   The intimacy of friendship is terribly threatening to most of us. In becoming close to others, I open myself up. I make myself vulnerable. I stop pretending and I share my humanness and in return, I receive the humanness of another.  And together we then give our humanness to our loving Heavenly Father.   D. Limit or eliminate activities that foster isolation. If you’re trying to stop smoking, you don’t visit tobacco shops. Television or even reading materials, (especially materials that exploit your fantasies) can make you retreat into your inner world. Workaholism or being too busy closes relational doors. This is one of the problems with home schooling or other work at home jobs. It can encourage you to draw further into your own world rather than encouraging you to open doors into other worlds, or even open the doors of your own world up. I’m amazed at the number of lonely people who feed their loneliness through the activities that they choose. While they complain about their plight, they are sabotaging themselves, and by their choices, avoiding social contacts that would integrate them into the Christian community.    A Japanese sculptor came to America with a unique twist on his art. At his exhibit, each statue had a small sign that read, "Please touch." He literally wanted people to feel his art. Friend, are you lonely because others see “Don’t touch, Don’t Enter” signs over your life?   Conclusion: To build enduring relationships we must learn to reach out, to be friendly, to be encouragers, we must learn to affirm. Tell the other person how much they mean to you. Let them know by your words and actions that they are cared for and cherished.   Writing in an issue of Focus on the Family magazine, pastor and author Stu Weber, illustrates the need for a Christian "buddy" to help us survive the tough times. He writes: “In 1967 a grizzled old noncom at Fort Benning, Ga. taught [the soul-buttressing impact of "mutual mentoring"] ... to a formation of ramrod-straight troops: "Never go into battle alone!" The war in Vietnam was building to its peak, and one stop for young army officers was the U.S. Army Ranger School at Fort Benning. The venerable, steely-eyed veteran told us the next nine weeks would test our mettle as it had never been tested. The sergeant said many wouldn’t make the grade–it was just too tough. (Turned out he was right. Of 287 in the formation that day, only 110 finished the nine weeks.)”   Weber continues, “I can still hear that raspy voice cutting through the morning humidity like a serrated blade. ‘We are here to save your lives,’ he preached. ‘We’re going to see to it that you overcome all your natural fears–especially of height and water. We’re going to show you just how much incredible stress the human mind and body can endure. And when we’re finished with you, you will be the U.S. Army’s best. You will not only survive in combat, you will accomplish your mission!’ Then, before he dismissed the formation, the hardened Ranger sergeant announced our first assignment. We’d steeled ourselves for something really tough–running 10 miles in full battle gear or rappelling down a sheer cliff. So the noncoms first order caught us off guard. He told us to find a buddy. Some of us would have preferred the cliff. ‘This is step one,’ he growled. ‘You need to find yourself a Ranger buddy. You will stick together. You will never leave each other. You will encourage each other, and, as necessary, you will carry each other.’ It was the Army’s way of saying, ‘Difficult assignments require a friend. Together is better. You need someone to help you accomplish the tough course ahead’.”   You and I have the same Heavenly Father, we’re brothers and sisters BUT we’re also in a spiritual war. We all need buddies to help us "take the hill." We cannot "do" life alone. That’s not the way God designed us. The question is, Will you begin building those crucial relationships or keep playing it safe? You really can be liberated from loneliness, you must though take the first steps toward your own liberation. Accept God’s cure for your loneliness.  Appropriate God’s promises and allow His Spirit to fill your soul. Actively interact with your eternal family. Limit or eliminate activities that foster isolation. The choice is yours.